RE: Checking

Hi,

I guess I'm okay, considering. I rented an apartment today. I guess it will take a couple of days for the utilities to be turned on, but I can start moving my stuff in tomorrow. I'm trying to pack. It's been a very long, difficult weekend.

Hope you're doing well.

RE: And so

I've caused you too much pain and trouble - I'm sorry. I've never regretted loving you, but I do regret getting you to feel the same about me. You deserve so much more. Don't hesitate to call on me if you ever need anything.

And so

It's best if we don't see each other, at least for a long, long time. Apparently, you get something positive out of it, but I don't, not at this point. I don't want to be hurt by you any more. It's time that I think of and take care of myself.

As long as you're around confusing and manipulating me, I won't be able to move on. I'm single now, and I want to be open to someone who will treat me with love and respect, and want to be treated with love and respect by me. Who will want me to be who I am, and not hide my love or debase myself.

I know that you don't need me, and you will be fine. You should be concentrating on your family, anyway.

I'm not sorry that I love you, but I'm sorry that it came to this

RE: Hm

I was worried about you since you had been so depressed after our conversation the other night, so I was glad you kept your doctor appointment. You appeared to be in a better mood, but I seem to upset you every time we see each other or maybe confuse is the better term. I know it is hard, so maybe being friends won't work. No, I'm not simply dismissing our relationship. I don't really know, but I know it is kind of awkward when we're together. I realize that any type of intimacy between us will cause more problems. I wish I could explain my behavior, my issues, and all my stupidity, but I can't. Maybe spending more time and money with a shrink will help, but that is not likely. I've been like this forever, so how can I expect a change now? Funny, I was in a situation all these years that allowed or lived with my isolation. Oh well, as you said, what's done is done.

I have no answer to your question concerning how I am nice and loving one moment while cold and restrained another. I don't know, but I recognize the behavior as I reflect on my life. My outburst and quitting at work yesterday is another example (that has happened countless times) where a lot was asked of me and my response to the pressure was to cut and run. I'm rambling again ...

Hm

I don't know if I know how to make this friends thing work. I couldn't understand how you could tell me you wanted to be with me and then disappear, come back, and tell me you didn't need me and didn't want me to love you and then want us to be pals. Then you tell me the plan is still for you to split -- but then when I said, but you said you don't want me then, either, you confirmed that that was the case (why bring it up then?). Or how you can tell me you love me and think all these wonderful things about me but don't want me. Or how you can just turn it off and be my buddy so quickly. Plus, of course, I remember all the other times you did that and then came back to me. I can't even remember how many times that has happened. I just cannot understand any of it. I cannot.

I want to be there for you, I do, just like I always have been, because even though you say you don't, I still think you need me. But you have to know that it is so fucking hard for me. So fucking hard. I never know what to think. I never know what to do. I never know what to say. You clearly don't want me talking about my feelings or asking questions and I don't know how that works. Please tell me how you do it because I don't know how.