Everything and nothing

Your last IM on Friday sticks with me - you said everything matters. Is that true? Because I was just at the point where nothing matters ;

As I said repeatedly, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for what happened, my behavior and everything. I'm not sorry for loving you, but I'm sorry I got you to love me. And, I'm sorry for still wanting you every time I see you. I wanted to leave and meet you anywhere tonight, but as you said - what's done is done. I want you in my arms. I want to kiss you. I want to hear your crazy stories. I want to hear you belch. Funny, thinking about sex, I was a failure with that with you - since I could never actually do it, so you know you're not missing anything there. But, nothing would feel better than your body, but then again that doesn't make everything else disappear. Besides, I'd only cause you more pain. How do I stop myself from wanting you? Is it possible? When I'm around you, it is like the old days when everything was still in my head and I just fantasized about touching, holding, and kissing you. Yes, I know, it is all my fault. I was going to ask you about any free time you'd have tomorrow, but I didn't because it seems wrong of me to ask for anything from you. I've done enough damage.

I try to make everything work out in my head, but it never pans out. It has been such a long weekend so far. I've been really depressed - for no reason, but it happens. I know you don't want to hear that crap. I'm so sorry I pulled you into my crazy world. I know I'm the biggest pain in the ass.

You're going to find your happiness and then you can put me behind you. You deserve it. You deserve so much.

I guess I should apologize for this email right now. It seems fine as I reread it, but it probably isn't. There are so many things in my head these days. I just wish they'd all go away. It just seems to get worse everyday. I would love to lay back and relax - no worries, let the world slip away. I guess I thought the pot would provide a break, but no. I guess relief will come eventually.

Hope you are sleeping well. I imagine you with those beautiful eyes closed having sweet dreams.