RE: Thanks

I once took five pills a day - okay, we're not competing. Hmm, the Ambien is good but it is the same pill that preceded two police cars and the EMS at my house.

A cashier at Thornton's told me she coughed a lot because her doctor said she had a chronic drip in her throat. Thanks for sharing.

I just received your voice message a little while ago. How was dinner at [her] house? I hope you're sleeping, so I'll call you tomorrow.

RE: Thanks

Oh, did you switch over? Ambien is good, it helps me sleep. I've been sleeping (without Ambien's help) off and on all day - can't seem to shake this.

RE: Thanks

Well, it seems like I've made you cry way too much lately.

No, your smile is special.

I hope you kept your doctor appointment and it went well, did it?

RE: Thanks

Oh, did you switch over? Ambien is good, it helps me sleep. I've been sleeping (without Ambien's help) off and on all day - can't seem to shake this.

RE: Thanks

Yes, I went. He wants me to switch to Effexor. And he finally gave me some Ambien. He didn't want to give me anything for sleep, but I said I had waited long enough. So we'll see.

RE: Thanks

Yes, I went. He wants me to switch to Effexor. And he finally gave me some Ambien. He didn't want to give me anything for sleep, but I said I had waited long enough. So we'll see.

RE: Another thing

Silly, who would've locked the door if you fell asleep? (that's a joke)

RE: Thanks

Well, it seems like I've made you cry way too much lately.

No, your smile is special.

I hope you kept your doctor appointment and it went well, did it?

Another thing

And, I think about you all the time, about touching you and you touching me. Kissing, especially. When you hug me, I relax, even now. I'm not used to not getting hugs from you (or anyone, since nobody's around). Last night, when you asked me if I needed anything, what I wanted to ask you for was for you to rub my back until I could maybe fall asleep, but I was afraid.

RE: Thanks

You sure know how to make a girl cry. Please try to go to that appointment. I know it's hard. If you could tell me about it tonight, you can go. It'll be alright.

Right before you called tonight, I was talking to [her] about her similar situation and she was asking for advice. Except it's not really similar.

And I can't give anyone advice. My relationship with you is so deep, I was unprepared for it. I thought I knew my own heart and mind and what it meant to be connected to another, but I didn't. I never saw it coming, but once it made itself known, it was forever. What you feel, I feel. I know that's not literally true, and I don't know what it's like to have the shadow that you have over you all the time. But on another level, it is true. When you came in tonight, and several times after that, you had a real, genuine little smile on your face. That is rare. It was surprising, but I couldn't look away. I like to see you smile.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmingly angry with you. But it doesn't last because above it all, I just love you.

RE: Thanks

You sure know how to make a girl cry. Please try to go to that appointment. I know it's hard. If you could tell me about it tonight, you can go. It'll be alright.

Right before you called tonight, I was talking to a friend about her similar situation and she was asking for advice. Except it's not really similar.

And, I can't give anyone advice. My relationship with you is so deep, I was unprepared for it. I thought I knew my own heart and mind and what it meant to be connected to another, but I didn't. I never saw it coming, but once it made itself known, it was forever. What you feel, I feel. I know that's not literally true, and I don't know what it's like to have the shadow that you have over you all the time. But on another level, it is true. When you came in tonight, and several times after that, you had a real, genuine little smile on your face. That is rare. It was surprising, but I couldn't look away. I like to see you smile.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmingly angry with you. But it doesn't last because above it all, I just love you.

RE: Thanks

Hey there,

Believe it or not and as I've said, I want to help you any way - big >or small. I know how nice a tasty candy bar can be at the right time. You can call me anytime.

It hurts to see your tears. I know you are going through hell at the moment, but you are strong along with smart and sexy, so you'll come through it in great shape. While I do worry about you, it is always with the knowledge that you'll do well. You are an original. I'm glad you told me about - and are going to - tomorrow's doctor appointment. Speak up and let him know what is happening. They only want to help you. Also, you can make their day by flashing your beautiful smile their way :) If you need to talk, give me a call after the appointment.

It is weird, but it took every ounce of energy I had to tell you about my plans with the shrink next week. I'm not sure if I'll follow through, but it seems like a good idea. I've counted and there have been 7 or so therapists, 3 shrinks, and more doctors over the past 17 or so years, and nothing has ever addressed the issue. It is a hard one to describe - a lingering pain that can momentarily vanish at times but is always casting its shadow in the background. The harder part (when trying to explain) is it is not a physical pain - only mental/emotional. I've tried countless medications with varying results, read lots and lots of material and ventured into alternative routes. My final conclusion was acceptance by learning to live with the creature, but this won't end well. If I had a wish it would be to spend a day or days without worry or fear - relax. Now, I've had such moments with you. I can remember sitting with you in the pizza place discussing anything>and everything - those few hours were exhilarating. Talking with you always left me better. It's sad that those times are gone - I've ruined that connection. Also, in the park with your cervix story that made me genuinely laugh and continue to laugh - too funny as you told it matter-of-factly. And, making love, your touch on my body, the kisses, those eyes, those are calming moments I often wish for. I think and I think a lot, these are brief moments that I cherish, but they can't negate the overwhelming despair that blankets me much of the time. I play the good game to convince people otherwise, but it is there, it is always waiting to be alone with me.

I can and have fought with it, but in the end you just tire out and accept it. I guess I'm a bit scientific, because I've always tried to formulate an acceptable cause-and-effect relationship for the feelings, but the majority of the time there is no cause - it just affects.

I'm sorry, I've rambled - probably beyond comprehension. Nobody can ever truly know what is ailing another person, but we can try to relate by listening and talking. On the other hand, I do think I really do understand your current feelings, but they are only temporary as you'll come out it as a better woman (if that is possible). I always have faith in you (just not anybody else).

I'll always love you.

Thanks

for the chocolate. I sure wasn't expecting to see you today, or any time, I guess. I do want to say that I think it's a very good idea for you to go discuss things with that shrink. It can't hurt (much) and it could help a lot. You shouldn't be in pain all the time. It's no way to live.

Thanks

for the chocolate. I sure wasn't expecting to see you today, or any time, I guess. I do want to say that I think it's a very good idea for you to go discuss things with that shrink. It can't hurt (much) and it could help a lot. You shouldn't be in pain all the time. It's no way to live.

RE: Thanks

Hey there,

Believe it or not and as I've said, I want to help you any way - big or small. I know how nice a tasty candy bar can be at the right time. You can call me anytime.

It hurts to see your tears. I know you are going through hell at the moment, but you are strong along with smart and sexy, so you'll come through it in great shape. While I do worry about you, it is always with the knowledge that you'll do well. You are an original. I'm glad you told me about - and are going to - tomorrow's doctor appointment. Speak up and let him know what is happening. They only want to help you. Also, you can >make their day by flashing your beautiful smile their way :) If you need to talk, give me a call after the appointment.

It is weird, but it took every ounce of energy I had to tell you about my plans with the shrink next week. I'm not sure if I'll follow through, but it seems like a good idea. I've counted and there have been 7 or so therapists,3 shrinks, and more doctors over the past 17 or so years, and nothing has ever addressed the issue. It is a hard one to describe - a lingering pain that can momentarily vanish at times but is always casting its shadow in the background. The harder part (when trying to explain) is it is not a physical pain - only mental/emotional. I've tried countless medications with varying results, read lots and lots of material and ventured into alternative routes. My final conclusion was acceptance by learning to live with the creature, but this won't end well. If I had a wish it would be to spend a day or days without worry or fear - relax. Now, I've had such moments with you. I can remember sitting with you in Clifton's Pizza discussing anything and everything - those few hours were exhilarating. Talking with you always left me better. It's sad that those times are gone - I've ruined that connection. Also, in the park with your cervix story that made me genuinely laugh and continue to laugh - too funny as you told it matter-of-factly. And, making love, your touch on my body, the kisses, those eyes, those
are calming moments I often wish for. I think and I think a lot, these are brief moments that I cherish, but they can't negate the overwhelming despair that blankets me much of the time. I play the good game to convince people otherwise, but it is there, it is always waiting to be alone with me.

I can and have fought with it, but in the end you just tire out and accept it. I guess I'm a bit scientific, because I've always tried to formulate an acceptable cause-and-effect relationship for the feelings, but the majority of the time there is no cause - it just affects.

I'm sorry, I've rambled - probably beyond comprehension. Nobody can ever truly know what is ailing another person, but we can try to relate by listening and talking. On the other hand, I do think I really do understand your current feelings, but they are only temporary as you'll come out it as a better woman (if that is possible). I always have faith in you (just not anybody else).

I'll always love you.

Rest

I apologize for my previous email - of course you are stressed out and it seems like your trip provided no relief. I’m sure your grandmother was grateful for the visit. My grandma always had words of wisdom for me, so I hope yours was just as valuable. I’m glad you made it home safe.

Hope you sing with all your heart

I assume you don’t have a computer or the laptop during your sojourn Well, anyway, I was wondering if you wow’d the others with your singers (the karaoke must’ve helped). I hope your time with familyis great – stress free.

Thanks

I know I ask too much of you, but it was so great to spend time with you tonight. I hope you were able to finally eat something and get some sleep as well.

I can never fully explain my behavior and using something like depression as an excuse is not acceptable. I wish I could provide something more creative than endless apologies. I know dealing with me is no fun. Believe it or not, I do love you. One other thing, I didn’t mean to insult you with my blog posts, I’m a moron. I have the feeling that you probably won’t want to see me again. This is something that I do fully understand, but do please call me when you arrive.

RE: You need to eat

I don't have any appetite and my stomach is upset. Anyway, you forgot the wine.

RE: You need to eat

I don't have any appetite and my stomach is upset. Anyway, you forgot the wine.

You need to eat

I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but four cookies and a bowl of cereal does not meet the FDA guidelines for a balanced diet. You need to eat. What about a peanut butter sandwich? Peanut butter and crackers? Turkey sandwich? Spam? Foie gras on crackers? Or, one of those KFC bowls?

Safe trip

I assume you’re still planning on Thanksgiving in with family. I’m not sure when you are leaving, but be careful and have a safe trip.

RE: Your DVD

Ah, don't worry about it. You need to watch it because it is funny - DVD players are cheap. I can get it whenever.

I'm surviving. I know there have been better times, so I hope you're hanging in there.

Your DVD

I have your DVD (never got to watch it, still haven't gotten a DVD player yet). Don't think I have anything else of yours, but I can look. Anyway, I'm sure you would like it back, so I can mail it to you or get it to you however you want.

Hope you are okay,

RE: Please

Hey, I'm okay, I hope everything is okay with you. I thought the week of isolation would be good, but not really.

I'm heading to Frankfort in a minute - volunteer work. Maybe we can talk later or whenever you're available. I'll be busy at Mom's house on Sunday as well. Oh well, give me a call.

Please

Would you please let me know if you are alright? Please.

RE: hey

It has been a long day. I did go to the appointment. I'm a person that holds everything in until I (seemingly) can't hold any more, so it was good to talk to someone. Of course we talked about everything going on along with family and other history. I'm supposed to go back next week. She suggested I take a step back from everything - take some time to collect my thoughts. I'm not sure about that, and I know you don't agree.

How are you doing? I hope everything is okay.

hey

How are you doing? Did you go to the appointment? Oh well, I was thinking about you and hoping you are alright.

So cold

Wow, a cold night and a fun game. You’ll need that extra blanket. Hope your night was good.

RE: You need to eat

I didn't know you were whining, oh, the bottle of wine. Hmm, that may be better if you eat something with it. You gotta force something down, how about one of your favorite sandwiches?

RE: Hey

Yeah, and you've been through the same things. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger? Mom wasn't home tonight, but I did doze for a while until the teenager thought it necessary to give me the details of his day.

How was Costco? Did you eat some good food? The rain seemed to dampen the trick-or-treater turnout.

I hope you're sleeping and the bed is probably great - much better than an air mattress or carpet!

Maybe we can talk tomorrow after work. Talk to you soon.