RE: Thanks

I guess the "annoy" jab is a reference to our conversation at the picnic table? Nah, I'm not annoyed, I met a buddy at the Bats game. The conversation wasn't as good as yours, but the weather was great. By the way, I wasn't implying we sneak around - I would've said I was going to the movie just like last week. It's funny, I know we've joked about it but I haven't had to lie. Maybe that isn't funny but just scary? Also, I wasn't thinking of going to the movie tonight.

I walked down by the river (yes, again) after the game, and my mind was roaring. Yeah, I know, we've been through all of this. I've been so caught up with worrying about freaking you out or pushing you into something that I guess I kinda forgot about me.

I was a fool to open up by confessing my feelings to you, so I apologize again. I feel like I've been ripped open (by myself) and I'm not sure if I (or we) can go back. There's a silly quote in Everything Changes that says "A man's two great loves should be his woman and his work." and I'm not sure if I'm fulfilling either. I think you are the greatest, but I realize friendship is the beginning and end. It has opened my mind to wondering (in addition to the fantasizing). I know I'll never find anyone like you, but maybe such a connection is possible with somebody else - discuss life, books, films, and so on. Or, maybe it's right in front of me and I'm a bigger fool than I realize. Can one person be everything to another?

On the job front, I've been screwing off for far too long. I don't just dislike my job but the actual career. A further investigation of the offer seems like the same old thing, so staying where I'm at to figure things out may be best. I will take some classes and get going with some other stuff. I never stop thinking, so hopefully the light will finally go off. Maybe the mysticism will pay off as well.

I respect and admire you more than you can ever know. You shouldn't beat yourself up by thinking you are a hypocrite, life is not static - we learn and grow as we mature. I'm sure we'll learn from recent events. Maybe you were right to suggest a cooling off period - who knows how long it'll take. Time will not alter my opinion of you, but maybe it'll clear the mind. I'm sure we'll both survive and move on with our lives. Hopefully, the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is not universal. At least I know "out of sight, out of mind" isn't true.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." - Victor Frankl