RE: Answer

Yeah, I don't have any answers. I guess seeing each other isn't the best idea, but I don't know

RE: Answer

Don't apologize. And I'll try not to, as well.
I don't know what to say now. I'm scared. Not of you. Just in general.

RE: Answer

I wanted to tell everybody to get out of the room so I could be alone with you. You were the only one I wanted to listen to. The flowing hair, little flowers on your shirt, the painted toenails, I took in all in as I followed the curves of your body with my eyes. We stood in the parking lot and talking for almost two hours, and I didn't want that to end. I'm aching to see you again, so I guess I've relapsed -- I'm sorry.

RE: Answer

Yes, it does. It didn't hit me how that might progress until last night. I had the same feeling I always have around you. There's a part of me that just relaxes and I can feel comfortable saying whatever I want to say. And there's a part of me that is energized. When you touched my shoulder when you came in and sat down, it was completely energizing. I really just wanted to grab my stuff and leave with you.

Answer

I thought I was doing good, and then I turn into the room and spot you sitting at the opposite end and my heart skips. Instantly, I'm nervous all over again. I feel your eyes as I walk to the chair behind you. A brief flash of your smile calms me down. I sit inhaling your perfume (powder, lotion, whatever it was) while stealing glances at you when you're not looking. The class seems to fly by and I barely remember anything anybody else said during the two hours, but I know everything you were doing, wearing, and said. I was anxious as we left the building and fought the desire to reach out, grab and pull you closer. I know what you said last week, and I respect your decision. I guess that leaves the issue of what happens as we continue to meet and grow closer.

RE: Three things

Okay, I'm sorry but I had to laugh at the deranged junkie line, a great description. I'm certain you looked better than the others, and we know you're smarter ;)

RE: Three things

Oh my god, you are hilarious. Yes, I laughed. :) Such a talented guy.

Anyway, I just have my ups and downs. As you well know. Downs include crying on the bedroom floor and smearing black eye makeup all over my face and shirt so I look like a deranged junkie. Ups include going to that wedding and determining that I look better than every other woman there except the bride (she looked happy and she was wearing a wedding dress -- a distinct advantage).

RE: Three things

I have a few pills that will help, or you could call our friend. Of course, I'm joking.

I guess you played my game of wearing a mask to fool others into thinking you're calm, or I just didn't look hard enough. It certainly does matter to me about how you are feeling, and you should never fear sending me emails, calling, or whatever you feel is necessary (besides, I have caller id and email filtering ... Haha). I hope my previous email provides more insight.

I am feeling a bit better today, although this may be due to a lack of sleep and alcohol. Seriously, we'll be okay. Squat down on your yoga mat and find your center. Or, read some more of the mysticism books to clear you head (or just plain confuse it).

I don't want you to be feeling bad, so don't! Did that work? H'bout 'Smile, Jesus Loves You!' ??

RE: Three things

So, I was looking back through this e-mail and you said that I was calm. I'm not calm, I'm just stunned and paralyzed. I guess it doesn't matter one way or another and you're probably hoping I'll stop sending these e-mails, but for some reason I felt I needed to try to clarify that.

I hope you yourself are feeling calm or better in some way.

RE: Three things

I'm sorry, I should not have sent that message. Yes, I did finally sleep, and the sun did come up this morning.

Don't be scared, I'm okay.

Have fun at the wedding.

RE: Three things

You are really scaring me. What have I done? What can I do for you? Crap. All I can hope is that you got some sleep

RE: Three things

You say so. I hope you're feeling better and sleeping well.

A few interesting quotes ...

"There are dormant fires lurking in the depths of the coldest bosom, which, when once enkindled, become impetuous, and are sometimes desolating in their effects."

"Let those tell who have had the portals of the tomb suddenly closed between them and the being they most loved on earth--who have sat at its threshold, as one shut out in a cold and lonely world, whence all that was most lovely and loving had departed"

"Don't be fooled by a smile
Ignore that happy face
Cause deep down inside
Is a completely different place"

Crap, those are horrible. Sleep would be good right now.

RE: Three things

I was just standing outside watching the rain and I wanted to tell you how beautiful all the people looked walking around with their purple, red, orange and yellow umbrellas. That's all.

I'll go get my drink on now.

RE: Three things

cheers

RE: Three things

I just don't have the energy, either. I'm sapped. Besides, I think I've done enough damage. I just remember all the times I said (or thought to myself) I shouldn't see you but I wanted to so badly that I did it anyway. Yes, it's time to drink.

RE: Three things

Wow, you picked today to be agreeable? And, you still seem very calm. See, that's a sign that you made the right decision.

I can't answer that question. I can only tell you my feelings, what I wanted, and so forth. I know how I should have handled it.

There's only one you, so I'll certainly miss you. Hell, I already ache from the realization I won't see you.

Now, it's time to drink!

RE: Three things

Ok, then.

I'll miss you. Here's something for me to figure out. If this is one of life's lessons, how should I have handled it?

RE: Three things

Nah, I don't have the energy. Maybe another day.

RE: Three things

Of course, I had given it some thought. In fact, I had said it earlier, too.
Granted, then I messed everything up. I blame myself. So, okay, I'll chalk it up that way.

It's too late to say don't be sad. I think maybe now you should get mad at me. Let it out.

RE: Three things

Well, I guess I didn't think you were calculating (or did I, I don't know), but you had obviously given it some thought. So, I figured you had to realize the outcome, but it is no big deal - just a question.

Don't be sad for me or yourself, I'm sure we'll survive. Chalk this up as another one of life's lessons.

RE: Three things

It wasn't a speech. I didn't plan to say any of it. It just came out. I'm not as calculating as you think. So, since I didn't plan to say it, I didn't have any expecations of how the conversation was going to go.

RE: Three things

As I can testify, we don't always get what we want. I have to ask this question, what did you really think would happen when you made that speech?

RE: Three things

the one thing I didn't want.

RE: Three things

It seems like that is the way it has to be. How can I not see you again when I close my eyes and there you are? Really, I just can't or shouldn't be around you. This does contradict with my wanting to see you whenever/wherever. I've got to be a stronger person. Email seems fine, but as always you can make the decision. Isn't it funny how things can turn in an instant? This time yesterday I was anxiously waiting for 7:00 when I could see you, but then again I didn't know what was on your mind.

RE: Three things

Please stop beating yourself up. I can't stand it. But I'm confused. Are you saying you don't want to be in contact? I shouldn't contact you?

I'm so sorry.

RE: Three things

There are times when everyone must be selfish. Only you can know what is best for you. We make decisions and move on. I don't think any less of you for anything that has happened. Who said life was easy?

Yes, your recent calmness was a bit unsettling. I can now see, and probably should have recognized it before, that it was a result of reaching your decision. I guess it was your moment of clarity.

I just know I can't go back. I now realize how big of a fool I've been. I cast everything aside for something I knew was unattainable, and now I feel like I'm left with nothing. That is probably a bit dramatic, but you get the point. Not that you ever would, but I can never return to the events of the past few weeks. While the time with you was beyond great, I just don't want to feel like this again. Maybe one day the friendship can be rekindled.

RE: Three things

I can still see all of your wonderful qualities. That's why I'm hurting. I could see you hurting last night and I wanted to take back what I said or figure out some other way. Or at least give you a hug, but maybe that wouldn't have helped. I just didn't know what to do.

When I said that I really was pretty calm the last couple of days, it was true. And that told me that I was on a path. Doing what I wanted. Avoiding thinking about consequences. I was so close to ... I don't know, something.

Now I feel like I've selfishly hurt my best friend, who I'll probably lose now. If I'd behaved differently, it would have been better. One thing I'm wishing, almost praying, for is that we will laugh together again. Over anything at all.

RE: Three things

The old saying 'curiosity killed the cat' comes to mind. I hate to say this, because I'm not trying to make you feel bad, worse, or whatever, but I can't see any of personal good qualities at the moment.

Last night was one of the longest I've ever experienced. I guess the finality of it all sank in. Really, I was blindsided by our final conversation next to your car. I did my best to put on my mask as I felt my insides tremble. It may seem odd, but I wanted to make sure you were okay as we left, so I could retreat and berate myself in solitude. I was thinking that maybe I was supposed to fight your decision, kinda make my case, but it just didn't seem plausible or fair to you. Don't get me wrong, you are worth a fight, but I don't think it is a battle I could ever win.

Again, I'm not trying to be mean, but can your disappointment over me not showing Monday match my present state of disappointment? I'm telling myself that while this pain may seem unbearable, I will somehow survive. Who knows how it will happen, but I am imploring myself to get through this. Maybe one day we'll reflect and laugh about the whole thing.

RE: Three things

Thank you for saying that.

I know you're not angling for it, but here are three for you:

Your intelligence
Your dry wittiness
Your curiosity about new ideas and experiences

I have many more, too.

My day is going okay, I guess. Well, not really, but I'm trying to act my way through.

If you don't go to the class, I'll be disappointed, but I guess I'll understand. Don't know if I'll make it myself.

Three things

I stumbled upon an article that talked about avoiding being upset with someone, it suggested you think about three things you love or admire about them. Well, I quickly thought of three for you:

1. Your keen sense of humor.
2. Your refusal to blindly accept anything thus questioning everything.
3. Your beauty including that labyrinth of hair and piercing green eyes.

But then, the list made me sad - for whatever reason.

Anyway, I don't think I'll attend the class on Monday, so you have fun. I'm really not in much of a creative mood anyway plus I think distance is necessary. This may change over the weekend, but I doubt it.

Hope your day is going well.

RE: I'd like to think

Well, given enough time, I think we can convince ourselves to believe just about anything. Time will tell if you are right.

RE: I'd like to think

We can think what we want? Does that mean I'm wrong? I suppose I might be. I was trying to look at the big picture and what our conclusions might be down the road but, hell, what do I know.

RE: I'd like to think

We can think what we want. I guess what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and maybe the degree of hurt/sadness translates into us being that much stronger?

I really don't know as much as it seems, but I did know I wanted to leave without either of us breaking down. At one time, I certainly thought this would happen, but I fooled myself into believing otherwise. As I previously stated, I can only blame myself for feeling so bad. I guess the only scenario we didn't cover was what happened tonight. I'm not sure things will ever be the way they were, or if I can accept my current position since I was given a peek at something seemingly better. But, I guess life goes on one way or another.

I'd like to think

that after we go through an awkward time and get a little angry and sad and whatever else, that you'll be glad that I made this decision. We both have a lot to lose, and maybe that piece of you that doesn't want to lose anything will be glad? I care about you so much and I want you to be happy and have the things you want in life. I never wanted to do anything to make you feel bad. I hope you know that. But I guess you do, because you seem to know everything about me and everything I will do before I know myself. I think you're absolutely amazing and you make me feel amazing. I hope you will still let me be around you.

If, if, if.

RE: Don't freak out

I'm okay, I finally left work and actually ate and then I thought "crap, she probably thinks I freaked out since she probably responded and I didn't respond to her.." More of my crazy thinking?

It IS your business, so ask me anything you want. I've made my share of mistakes in the past.

Re: If you dare

I did tell you everything, remember? I was pursued and it did freak me out, because I had never had anything like that happen. Hell, I was always the dork. I never had anybody pay attention to me, but we've talked about that. Yes, as I told you, I did kiss her once in a parking lot and I immediately regretted it. It was a small kiss, but I guess a kiss is a kiss. Geez, I hadn't thought of it in quite some time. I am sorry it happened, but the attraction was more curiosity and surprise than anything.

My attraction to you is much more than curiosity. It is something I can't easily describe.

You can always ask me any question that crosses your mind.

Don't freak out

I didn't mean to upset you with that question. Hell, who knows what made me think of it but I didn't want to be sitting there wondering and not saying anything. It's just your bad luck I actually remembered something. ;) It's none of my business and it's nothing to do with us.

Re: If you dare

Allright, allright. It was just a question. I don't know what happened and I'm not asking you to tell me. But if I recall, it went on a good long while and you flipped out about it. So I had to ask that. You understand my position. So now you've answered me and that's that.

Re: If you dare

What? I can't believe you said that. Did I hang on her every word? Did I think of her constantly? Did I care what she thought of me? Did I share any personal or emotional aspect of me with her? In case you're wondering: no, no, no, and no. What do you think happened with her? I'm really not sure how to answer that question. I guess you still don't trust me, but I understand. No, I am not angry just very surprised ..hey, at least you woke me up.

Re: If you dare

I guess she was just feeling depressed. It's not completely out of the ordinary. This is not the usual time she calls, though.

Okay, I have a question that just occurred to me. It'll probably piss you off, I guess, but instead of stewing about it, I'm going to throw it out there. Is what is going on the same as whatever it was with that receptionist?

Re: If you dare

I guess your voice is soothing. Why wouldn't she say what's wrong? Or, is that normal behavior for her?

Yeah, I know what you mean about the nervousness ..... (stomach turning).

Re: If you dare

Mom said she's okay. She was a bit weepy, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Just wanted to talk to me.

Yeah, I'm in a constant state of nervousness, and sometimes it gets a lot stronger. You know what I mean?

Re: If you dare

Yeah, I have this mental image of him in the shower and I can't shake it.

Tell Mom I said hi. I hope she's doing well.

Don't be nervous, hmm .. I guess that doesn't work.

Re: If you dare

Unfortunately, I'll probably hear more about it over the next few days. He's so weird about women and what was he doing in that shower!

Work really bites. It seems to get in the way of all the good things in life.

Now that I've talked to you, I'm all nervous again.

Hmm, my mom's on the phone.

Re: If you dare

I don't know what to say about his posting. He certainly has some issues with women, and I'm trying to forget about the wonderful showerhead.

You're always so quiet on the telephone, so it is hard to get a reading. Yep, it was great to talk to you too.

Geez, I'm still sitting at work. It is going to be a while :(

Re: If you dare

Um, yes, it was a weird bit of writing. I think I'll put it out of my mind!

I'm surprised you can't read me through my voice. Or maybe I'm better at hiding it than I thought. I was trying to be calm. But I was really glad you called.

Re: If you dare

Holy shit, that entry is mind boggling. The shower head? WTF?!? I really think he hates himself.

I wasn't so sure about the call, but I did it anyway ;) Of course, I can never read what you are thinking/feeling through your voice.

I hope your work goes well.

If you dare

Check out you know who's blog about his trip. I really don't know how to describe it. Maybe crazy?

And thanks for calling. :) Brightened up my day. Sorry I had to get off so quickly but my phone was fading fast.

RE: Story

Thanks, I think. No, it isn't completely new, although I made some recent changes. It was one of the stories for the dad idea I had (I remember you laughing loudly).

RE: Story

Good god, I think this is the best thing you've written -- that you've shown me. I had to go back and read it again, to see the point where I realized the narrator is a child. Is it new?

RE: Hey Mister

Is it wrong to be worried? I'm just glad you got a good night's rest without the normal sleep aid ;)

My day is fine so far.

Story

So, I read the story you pointed out yesterday - not the story by your friend but the other one. I liked it, well I'm not sure I liked the topic but I liked the writing.

I've attached a short story.

RE: Hey Mister

You worried about me??? My day is going okay. And yours?

RE: Hey Mister

Sleep is good.

How's your day going?

RE: Hey Mister

Yeah, I ate dinner but got full pretty fast. This diet rocks!

One glass of wine and I slept well. :)