Thoughts

How quickly things change. I felt so bad all weekend, very fearful and worried about you. Then this morning, I convinced myself I should feel good and hopeful. From your tone in your call last night, I thought I should feel hopeful.

What I'm after right now is regaining some of my self-respect. Setting myself up as your permanent mistress doesn't look like the best way to do that. I guess I don't understand why you and [him] not living together would mean that you would never see him, unless she threatened you with that, though you didn't say that, so I don't know. It doesn't matter. You've made your decision; like you said, you choose him, not me. I don't want to lose you, but I don't know what to do.

I feel like the typical stupid woman who keeps rationalizing, focusing on certain things, convincing herself that a man who is attached is going to leave those attachments for her -- but it never happens. How many times have we heard that story? I just can't compete. I guess everyone was right.

I don't know all the things going through your head. You've told me the minimum. But you didn't appear to be too upset by the prospect of my not being around today. For my part, I am very upset. My heart is broken. Again.

Probably it is best if we don't see each other for a while. I need some time to think. After tonight, I have to go live in that stupid apartment. I have to get used to being alone. I have to live with the reality.

Like I said, [they] are lucky that they have you. They should make the most of it.