RE: Answer

Yeah, I don't have any answers. I guess seeing each other isn't the best idea, but I don't know

RE: Answer

Don't apologize. And I'll try not to, as well.
I don't know what to say now. I'm scared. Not of you. Just in general.

RE: Answer

I wanted to tell everybody to get out of the room so I could be alone with you. You were the only one I wanted to listen to. The flowing hair, little flowers on your shirt, the painted toenails, I took in all in as I followed the curves of your body with my eyes. We stood in the parking lot and talking for almost two hours, and I didn't want that to end. I'm aching to see you again, so I guess I've relapsed -- I'm sorry.

RE: Answer

Yes, it does. It didn't hit me how that might progress until last night. I had the same feeling I always have around you. There's a part of me that just relaxes and I can feel comfortable saying whatever I want to say. And there's a part of me that is energized. When you touched my shoulder when you came in and sat down, it was completely energizing. I really just wanted to grab my stuff and leave with you.

Answer

I thought I was doing good, and then I turn into the room and spot you sitting at the opposite end and my heart skips. Instantly, I'm nervous all over again. I feel your eyes as I walk to the chair behind you. A brief flash of your smile calms me down. I sit inhaling your perfume (powder, lotion, whatever it was) while stealing glances at you when you're not looking. The class seems to fly by and I barely remember anything anybody else said during the two hours, but I know everything you were doing, wearing, and said. I was anxious as we left the building and fought the desire to reach out, grab and pull you closer. I know what you said last week, and I respect your decision. I guess that leaves the issue of what happens as we continue to meet and grow closer.

RE: Three things

Okay, I'm sorry but I had to laugh at the deranged junkie line, a great description. I'm certain you looked better than the others, and we know you're smarter ;)

RE: Three things

Oh my god, you are hilarious. Yes, I laughed. :) Such a talented guy.

Anyway, I just have my ups and downs. As you well know. Downs include crying on the bedroom floor and smearing black eye makeup all over my face and shirt so I look like a deranged junkie. Ups include going to that wedding and determining that I look better than every other woman there except the bride (she looked happy and she was wearing a wedding dress -- a distinct advantage).

RE: Three things

I have a few pills that will help, or you could call our friend. Of course, I'm joking.

I guess you played my game of wearing a mask to fool others into thinking you're calm, or I just didn't look hard enough. It certainly does matter to me about how you are feeling, and you should never fear sending me emails, calling, or whatever you feel is necessary (besides, I have caller id and email filtering ... Haha). I hope my previous email provides more insight.

I am feeling a bit better today, although this may be due to a lack of sleep and alcohol. Seriously, we'll be okay. Squat down on your yoga mat and find your center. Or, read some more of the mysticism books to clear you head (or just plain confuse it).

I don't want you to be feeling bad, so don't! Did that work? H'bout 'Smile, Jesus Loves You!' ??

RE: Three things

So, I was looking back through this e-mail and you said that I was calm. I'm not calm, I'm just stunned and paralyzed. I guess it doesn't matter one way or another and you're probably hoping I'll stop sending these e-mails, but for some reason I felt I needed to try to clarify that.

I hope you yourself are feeling calm or better in some way.

RE: Three things

I'm sorry, I should not have sent that message. Yes, I did finally sleep, and the sun did come up this morning.

Don't be scared, I'm okay.

Have fun at the wedding.

RE: Three things

You are really scaring me. What have I done? What can I do for you? Crap. All I can hope is that you got some sleep

RE: Three things

You say so. I hope you're feeling better and sleeping well.

A few interesting quotes ...

"There are dormant fires lurking in the depths of the coldest bosom, which, when once enkindled, become impetuous, and are sometimes desolating in their effects."

"Let those tell who have had the portals of the tomb suddenly closed between them and the being they most loved on earth--who have sat at its threshold, as one shut out in a cold and lonely world, whence all that was most lovely and loving had departed"

"Don't be fooled by a smile
Ignore that happy face
Cause deep down inside
Is a completely different place"

Crap, those are horrible. Sleep would be good right now.

RE: Three things

I was just standing outside watching the rain and I wanted to tell you how beautiful all the people looked walking around with their purple, red, orange and yellow umbrellas. That's all.

I'll go get my drink on now.

RE: Three things

cheers

RE: Three things

I just don't have the energy, either. I'm sapped. Besides, I think I've done enough damage. I just remember all the times I said (or thought to myself) I shouldn't see you but I wanted to so badly that I did it anyway. Yes, it's time to drink.

RE: Three things

Wow, you picked today to be agreeable? And, you still seem very calm. See, that's a sign that you made the right decision.

I can't answer that question. I can only tell you my feelings, what I wanted, and so forth. I know how I should have handled it.

There's only one you, so I'll certainly miss you. Hell, I already ache from the realization I won't see you.

Now, it's time to drink!

RE: Three things

Ok, then.

I'll miss you. Here's something for me to figure out. If this is one of life's lessons, how should I have handled it?

RE: Three things

Nah, I don't have the energy. Maybe another day.

RE: Three things

Of course, I had given it some thought. In fact, I had said it earlier, too.
Granted, then I messed everything up. I blame myself. So, okay, I'll chalk it up that way.

It's too late to say don't be sad. I think maybe now you should get mad at me. Let it out.

RE: Three things

Well, I guess I didn't think you were calculating (or did I, I don't know), but you had obviously given it some thought. So, I figured you had to realize the outcome, but it is no big deal - just a question.

Don't be sad for me or yourself, I'm sure we'll survive. Chalk this up as another one of life's lessons.

RE: Three things

It wasn't a speech. I didn't plan to say any of it. It just came out. I'm not as calculating as you think. So, since I didn't plan to say it, I didn't have any expecations of how the conversation was going to go.

RE: Three things

As I can testify, we don't always get what we want. I have to ask this question, what did you really think would happen when you made that speech?

RE: Three things

the one thing I didn't want.

RE: Three things

It seems like that is the way it has to be. How can I not see you again when I close my eyes and there you are? Really, I just can't or shouldn't be around you. This does contradict with my wanting to see you whenever/wherever. I've got to be a stronger person. Email seems fine, but as always you can make the decision. Isn't it funny how things can turn in an instant? This time yesterday I was anxiously waiting for 7:00 when I could see you, but then again I didn't know what was on your mind.

RE: Three things

Please stop beating yourself up. I can't stand it. But I'm confused. Are you saying you don't want to be in contact? I shouldn't contact you?

I'm so sorry.

RE: Three things

There are times when everyone must be selfish. Only you can know what is best for you. We make decisions and move on. I don't think any less of you for anything that has happened. Who said life was easy?

Yes, your recent calmness was a bit unsettling. I can now see, and probably should have recognized it before, that it was a result of reaching your decision. I guess it was your moment of clarity.

I just know I can't go back. I now realize how big of a fool I've been. I cast everything aside for something I knew was unattainable, and now I feel like I'm left with nothing. That is probably a bit dramatic, but you get the point. Not that you ever would, but I can never return to the events of the past few weeks. While the time with you was beyond great, I just don't want to feel like this again. Maybe one day the friendship can be rekindled.

RE: Three things

I can still see all of your wonderful qualities. That's why I'm hurting. I could see you hurting last night and I wanted to take back what I said or figure out some other way. Or at least give you a hug, but maybe that wouldn't have helped. I just didn't know what to do.

When I said that I really was pretty calm the last couple of days, it was true. And that told me that I was on a path. Doing what I wanted. Avoiding thinking about consequences. I was so close to ... I don't know, something.

Now I feel like I've selfishly hurt my best friend, who I'll probably lose now. If I'd behaved differently, it would have been better. One thing I'm wishing, almost praying, for is that we will laugh together again. Over anything at all.

RE: Three things

The old saying 'curiosity killed the cat' comes to mind. I hate to say this, because I'm not trying to make you feel bad, worse, or whatever, but I can't see any of personal good qualities at the moment.

Last night was one of the longest I've ever experienced. I guess the finality of it all sank in. Really, I was blindsided by our final conversation next to your car. I did my best to put on my mask as I felt my insides tremble. It may seem odd, but I wanted to make sure you were okay as we left, so I could retreat and berate myself in solitude. I was thinking that maybe I was supposed to fight your decision, kinda make my case, but it just didn't seem plausible or fair to you. Don't get me wrong, you are worth a fight, but I don't think it is a battle I could ever win.

Again, I'm not trying to be mean, but can your disappointment over me not showing Monday match my present state of disappointment? I'm telling myself that while this pain may seem unbearable, I will somehow survive. Who knows how it will happen, but I am imploring myself to get through this. Maybe one day we'll reflect and laugh about the whole thing.

RE: Three things

Thank you for saying that.

I know you're not angling for it, but here are three for you:

Your intelligence
Your dry wittiness
Your curiosity about new ideas and experiences

I have many more, too.

My day is going okay, I guess. Well, not really, but I'm trying to act my way through.

If you don't go to the class, I'll be disappointed, but I guess I'll understand. Don't know if I'll make it myself.

Three things

I stumbled upon an article that talked about avoiding being upset with someone, it suggested you think about three things you love or admire about them. Well, I quickly thought of three for you:

1. Your keen sense of humor.
2. Your refusal to blindly accept anything thus questioning everything.
3. Your beauty including that labyrinth of hair and piercing green eyes.

But then, the list made me sad - for whatever reason.

Anyway, I don't think I'll attend the class on Monday, so you have fun. I'm really not in much of a creative mood anyway plus I think distance is necessary. This may change over the weekend, but I doubt it.

Hope your day is going well.

RE: I'd like to think

Well, given enough time, I think we can convince ourselves to believe just about anything. Time will tell if you are right.

RE: I'd like to think

We can think what we want? Does that mean I'm wrong? I suppose I might be. I was trying to look at the big picture and what our conclusions might be down the road but, hell, what do I know.

RE: I'd like to think

We can think what we want. I guess what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and maybe the degree of hurt/sadness translates into us being that much stronger?

I really don't know as much as it seems, but I did know I wanted to leave without either of us breaking down. At one time, I certainly thought this would happen, but I fooled myself into believing otherwise. As I previously stated, I can only blame myself for feeling so bad. I guess the only scenario we didn't cover was what happened tonight. I'm not sure things will ever be the way they were, or if I can accept my current position since I was given a peek at something seemingly better. But, I guess life goes on one way or another.

I'd like to think

that after we go through an awkward time and get a little angry and sad and whatever else, that you'll be glad that I made this decision. We both have a lot to lose, and maybe that piece of you that doesn't want to lose anything will be glad? I care about you so much and I want you to be happy and have the things you want in life. I never wanted to do anything to make you feel bad. I hope you know that. But I guess you do, because you seem to know everything about me and everything I will do before I know myself. I think you're absolutely amazing and you make me feel amazing. I hope you will still let me be around you.

If, if, if.

RE: Don't freak out

I'm okay, I finally left work and actually ate and then I thought "crap, she probably thinks I freaked out since she probably responded and I didn't respond to her.." More of my crazy thinking?

It IS your business, so ask me anything you want. I've made my share of mistakes in the past.

Re: If you dare

I did tell you everything, remember? I was pursued and it did freak me out, because I had never had anything like that happen. Hell, I was always the dork. I never had anybody pay attention to me, but we've talked about that. Yes, as I told you, I did kiss her once in a parking lot and I immediately regretted it. It was a small kiss, but I guess a kiss is a kiss. Geez, I hadn't thought of it in quite some time. I am sorry it happened, but the attraction was more curiosity and surprise than anything.

My attraction to you is much more than curiosity. It is something I can't easily describe.

You can always ask me any question that crosses your mind.

Don't freak out

I didn't mean to upset you with that question. Hell, who knows what made me think of it but I didn't want to be sitting there wondering and not saying anything. It's just your bad luck I actually remembered something. ;) It's none of my business and it's nothing to do with us.

Re: If you dare

Allright, allright. It was just a question. I don't know what happened and I'm not asking you to tell me. But if I recall, it went on a good long while and you flipped out about it. So I had to ask that. You understand my position. So now you've answered me and that's that.

Re: If you dare

What? I can't believe you said that. Did I hang on her every word? Did I think of her constantly? Did I care what she thought of me? Did I share any personal or emotional aspect of me with her? In case you're wondering: no, no, no, and no. What do you think happened with her? I'm really not sure how to answer that question. I guess you still don't trust me, but I understand. No, I am not angry just very surprised ..hey, at least you woke me up.

Re: If you dare

I guess she was just feeling depressed. It's not completely out of the ordinary. This is not the usual time she calls, though.

Okay, I have a question that just occurred to me. It'll probably piss you off, I guess, but instead of stewing about it, I'm going to throw it out there. Is what is going on the same as whatever it was with that receptionist?

Re: If you dare

I guess your voice is soothing. Why wouldn't she say what's wrong? Or, is that normal behavior for her?

Yeah, I know what you mean about the nervousness ..... (stomach turning).

Re: If you dare

Mom said she's okay. She was a bit weepy, but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Just wanted to talk to me.

Yeah, I'm in a constant state of nervousness, and sometimes it gets a lot stronger. You know what I mean?

Re: If you dare

Yeah, I have this mental image of him in the shower and I can't shake it.

Tell Mom I said hi. I hope she's doing well.

Don't be nervous, hmm .. I guess that doesn't work.

Re: If you dare

Unfortunately, I'll probably hear more about it over the next few days. He's so weird about women and what was he doing in that shower!

Work really bites. It seems to get in the way of all the good things in life.

Now that I've talked to you, I'm all nervous again.

Hmm, my mom's on the phone.

Re: If you dare

I don't know what to say about his posting. He certainly has some issues with women, and I'm trying to forget about the wonderful showerhead.

You're always so quiet on the telephone, so it is hard to get a reading. Yep, it was great to talk to you too.

Geez, I'm still sitting at work. It is going to be a while :(

Re: If you dare

Um, yes, it was a weird bit of writing. I think I'll put it out of my mind!

I'm surprised you can't read me through my voice. Or maybe I'm better at hiding it than I thought. I was trying to be calm. But I was really glad you called.

Re: If you dare

Holy shit, that entry is mind boggling. The shower head? WTF?!? I really think he hates himself.

I wasn't so sure about the call, but I did it anyway ;) Of course, I can never read what you are thinking/feeling through your voice.

I hope your work goes well.

If you dare

Check out you know who's blog about his trip. I really don't know how to describe it. Maybe crazy?

And thanks for calling. :) Brightened up my day. Sorry I had to get off so quickly but my phone was fading fast.

RE: Story

Thanks, I think. No, it isn't completely new, although I made some recent changes. It was one of the stories for the dad idea I had (I remember you laughing loudly).

RE: Story

Good god, I think this is the best thing you've written -- that you've shown me. I had to go back and read it again, to see the point where I realized the narrator is a child. Is it new?

RE: Hey Mister

Is it wrong to be worried? I'm just glad you got a good night's rest without the normal sleep aid ;)

My day is fine so far.

Story

So, I read the story you pointed out yesterday - not the story by your friend but the other one. I liked it, well I'm not sure I liked the topic but I liked the writing.

I've attached a short story.

RE: Hey Mister

You worried about me??? My day is going okay. And yours?

RE: Hey Mister

Sleep is good.

How's your day going?

RE: Hey Mister

Yeah, I ate dinner but got full pretty fast. This diet rocks!

One glass of wine and I slept well. :)

RE: Hey Mister

I'm an idiot again, I'm in the office .. finally figured out a problem and have to deliver it (requires office visit). Anyway, I did finally eat something today .. went to McDonald's with guy over here. Funny, I guess this weird feeling keeps me from getting hungry?

No, you should be getting some sleep and NOT drinking!

RE: Hey Mister

Weeellllll, yeah, I am pretty great. ;) Or maybe they were just hungry and wanted to sleep on my pillow. Either way.

Get some sleep tonight!

RE: Hey Mister

How could they not be excited to see you?

RE: Hey Mister

It was great to see you too and you're right, the traffic was ugly. But the dogs are still cute. ;)

I inspire you? That sounds like a positive thing. Glad I could be of service. :)

Hey mister

I'm sure you had to suffer through some crazy traffic, but as always it was great to see you. I don't think the dogs were any more excited to see you than I was (you just couldn't see my tale wagging). You inspire me in so many ways ;)

RE: what part goes numb first?

I have no idea where that is...

RE: what part goes numb first?

Hey, I'm leaving. Want to meet me at the Borders? Half an hour?

RE: what part goes numb first?

Alrighty, let me know.

RE: what part goes numb first?

Still looking good. I might be out of here within an hour.

RE: what part goes numb first?

Roger that.

RE: what part goes numb first?

Okay, things are actually looking really good. I should know more soon. :)

RE: what part goes numb first?

I'm trying to figure out how best to work the system. I have to finish a significant amount of work still. Then I have to go get the dogs. I couldn't get them into the place near my house, so I have to drive way out to the east end. I was thinking maybe we could meet for a coke on my way out there or something this afternoon. I can't be sure of the time yet, though.

Is that a good idea? Or a bad idea?

RE: what part goes numb first?

Never a bad idea when I have the opportunity to see you.

Let me know when/if you have an idea of where/time.

RE: what part goes numb first?

Yeah, it is nice.

My day is okay, it looks good, what are you thinking?

RE: what part goes numb first?

I'm glad.

What's your day look like? Are you buried?

RE: what part goes numb first?

Yeah, I'm still good at it. Us M&M's gotta protect ourselves! I've grown to trust you.

RE: what part goes numb first?

I'll be careful. But on second thought, I think you're still pretty good at it. I guess you can start and stop, depending on whether I'm around. ;

No, don't stop.

RE: what part goes numb first?

Yeah, I've let my guard down around you - you've ventured inside my fortress. Be careful! ;)

I guess I should stop sending emails and let you work.

RE: what part goes numb first?

I guess I don't hide a lot of things well. Only a few things. You're better at it, I think. Or you were. ;)

I need to get that Star Wars stuff out of my head. People keep bringing it up. Grrr

RE: what part goes numb first?

I've found such behavior hard to hide.

Yoda? You and your Star Wars references.

RE: what part goes numb first?

Yes, I really must learn how to hide that. But it weeds out the people I don't want around -- the ones who can't appreciate it.

I think she said she's 41. He's as old as Yoda.

RE: what part goes numb first?

Uhm, honestly, it doesn't take too long to realize that you are nuts.

She is in her forties? She's almost as old as my boss!

RE: what part goes numb first?

It made me happy that she did it and it also made me happy that she thought it might piss me off. Cause I'm crazy like that. I guess she's observed me a bit as well?

She also just said I must be at least 10 years younger than her. I guess I haven't told her how old I am. But she's putting me at 31 or younger? I think I'll just go with it. ;)

RE: what part goes numb first?

Yeah, having other options does change a person's outlook ;)

OMG, that is hilarious, thank her for providing me a good laugh. So, I'm assuming it made you happy?

RE: what part goes numb first?

Maybe this is the thing that will push you over the edge to quit, since you were already thinking of it. Especially if you're not getting the kind of response you should. Having other job options changes the whole dynamic.

I did thank her. You'll think this is funny. She said she asked my manager if doing some extra work would make me happy or piss me off. ;)

RE: what part goes numb first?

Ah, I forgot you are the boss. Did you thank your employer for her hard work?

I'm okay, but I've been in a mini argument with my manager over our current project. As I previously told you, I worked all weekend and I've been a bit upset over the specs (very vague) and I think today's delivery date is not realistic. It may seem like I've waited until the last minute to say this, but I just received the specs late last week .... Oh well, that is probably much more than you wanted to know :) I'm tempted to quit.

RE: what part goes numb first?

Yeah, I had to make sure some things were going okay after taking a day off.

I'm doing pretty well. How are you doing?

RE: what part goes numb first?

It is always fun observing you :)

Wow, you are always up so early. How are you doing today?

RE: what part goes numb first?

Ok, that is good to hear. It just gave me a funny feeling when you described observing my emotional pattern.

RE: Sound at all familiar?

Speak for yourself! The combination of liquor and pills are doing the trick for me ... Just joking.

Our state or something different?

You know, IM would be better, but I'm not sure you have it at home.

RE: Sound at all familiar?

We're a mess.

Yes, there's too much going through my head. Way too much. For one thing, I had some dreams that had me in a state when I woke up. Much like the state I'm in right now.

RE: Sound at all familiar?

Yeah, and do I admit that I've been sitting here all day waiting for an email? Or, that I checked all flights? Just joking ;)

Yeah, I got excited when I saw you email so I guess we're in the same boat.

Anything else exciting racing through your pretty head?

RE: Sound at all familiar?

I'm just the teensiest bit nervous about indicating how excited I got when I saw your reply, and how I then wondered if you quickly sent it and then went off to do something else. And how I thought if you HADN'T done that, that we might be e-mailing for quite awhile. And how I thought about calling you.
You know, no big deal. ;)

RE: Sound at all familiar?

You're a nut (a good one). What are you nervous about saying?

Hmmm, good weather we're having :D

RE: Sound at all familiar?

Because I'd be nervous about saying it. About saying it in the proper tone of voice.

What shall we talk about?

RE: Sound at all familiar?

Why would you be stammering?

Nope, I never turn down an opportunity to talk to you.

Sound at all familiar?

Oh, I'm sorry you're still working.

I did think about lying down, but that was before I knew you were online.
Hmm, funny. If I were talking, I'd stammer through that, but in e-mail -- it's just right there in black and white.

If you need to focus on your work, and not be interrupted, let me know. I'm sure you want to get it done.

RE: Insomnolence

Okay.

RE: Insomnolence

Ok. I should run down to the office for a bit. Want to meet me at the pub at noon?

RE: Insomnolence

Wow.

Where are you?

RE: Insomnolence

It's up to you.

RE: Insomnolence

How about woebegone? Okay, maybe that isn't funny.

I guess lunch is a bad idea?

RE: Insomnolence

That's good.

I didn't know that word, insomnolence, by the way. :) Learn something everyday.

RE: Insomnolence

Yeah, I did get some sleep.

RE: Insomnolence

God, you didn't sleep, did you?

I didn't get as much work done as I had planned, I did fall asleep. Oh well.

RE: Priorities

Lord, I hope you are asleep now.

Uncle is doing better, it was a nice visit.

Priorities

Hi,
Hope you're having a good evening. I came home and got my early drunk on.
Now I'm workin'. Seemed like the best strategy. :)

How are your uncle and aunt?

RE: It's okay

And no drinking!

RE: Also

Oh, sorry to hear about the work. Get her ass in gear!

We can talk about it some time, but I don't see anything changing. I understand your hesitation and I'm not angry or upset with you, but a break is probably the best way to go.

RE: It's okay

No, I don't feel okay at all but if you say so, then maybe I will be.

RE: Also

I'm sorry -- I'm having a hellish day at work and I'm having a hard time devoting my mind to this as I want to.

Last night, I wanted to see if I could relax and let go of fear/nervousness with you. And I did for that moment. But I can't sustain it. You and I both know I'm having an internal struggle. A selfish one. This is so hard to explain in e-mail and I wish I could have some privacy and peace here. I'm not saying I want you to go away. I don't, but that might not be my decision. Are you saying you are not going to be able to see me?

It's okay

Hey,

I'm hoping you are okay (my ego is getting the best of me). Anyway, everything will be okay, we'll be fine.

If you are okay and not worried, then disregard this message.

RE: Also

I wanted to see if I could let go, and if so, what it would feel like. And I think I did. But what I want and what I can do are not the same thing. I guess I'm getting the message that that is not true for you. So I need to rein in the feelings that are making me see-saw back and forth.

RE: Also

Honestly, I usually do what I want so that isn't an issue. But, I appreciate your permission :D (note the sarcasm?).

I can't remember ever feeling like this, and what I want is more of tonight. It was overwhelming, and it kinda rattled me as I felt myself let go during that short time. It was an awesome feeling that was quickly smashed as we pulled away from each other. I think we both are confused, but I can't take a Jekyll & Hyde routine. Can you tell me what you want?

It isn't a big issue, but what was the real explanation for tonight?

RE: Also

It's not that I don't trust you. I know that I am confused and acting inconsistently. I'm sorry and I guess that's why I wanted to say that I want you to do what you want to do. You say you know what you want. Can you just indulge me and say what that is at this point? Do you mean you want us to hang out and cut out all this other stuff? I don't want to drive you away -- but, again, I understand if you want to call it quits.

RE: Also

I have enough problems walking in my own shoes ;

I do have to account for my whereabouts or I volunteer the information, and I really don't want to start screwing around with any and everything. You seem to take everything I say as reality - sometimes I'm just talking. I guess you still don't trust me.

I know what I want, and I thought I understood what you wanted as well. But then, there's a moment like last night when I'm totally blown away. This is followed by an email saying stay away. I'm beginning to see a pattern, but I could be wrong. You are beautiful in every way imaginable, but I'm not sure I can emotionally survive these cycles. So, maybe we should just call it quits.

RE: Also

No, that is not the explanation. That's additional. But I did read it, and I did have a reaction. It made me think maybe you wanted to step back. Or that maybe both of us should put ourselves in others' shoes. Or maybe I should put myself in others' shoes and you should go run around with some girls.
Like you said, you have the opportunities and you don't have to account for your whereabouts.

I just want to make sure you do what you want to do.

RE: Also

So, that is the explanation for canceling tonight? Hmm, it sounds like you're freaking out again but okay.

All is well.

This week, I could probably go to lunch Thursday. I'm going out of town Friday and I get back Monday.

After reading the rest of your story, I thought maybe you'd like to take a break and step back. There's a whole lot of emotion coming out in the end of that story. You know what I mean?

RE: Final version - maybe

I felt so silly telling you about it earlier, but it really did upset me. It was like I instantly began hating the character. The story progresses as he slowly comes unraveled - his house of cards collapsing as he loses control. The thought was for her to leave and it end with him all alone, but my mind had other ideas.

The cop had been involved in various aspects of their lives - helping them both. The thinking is she really wanted him, thus helping/pushing him to plan the wife's demise. I know, I know, it is really dumb. It's crazy for me to think I could ever really write anything.

RE: Also

I understand, I hope all is well.

Now I'm thinking I should invite you to lunch or ask what day you'll be available, but that probably isn't right -- oops, I already did.

Final version - maybe

Okay, I've sent you the final story. Funny, I did write it one way but deleted and went a different way.

Chapters 40 and on are new. Also, 28 is new. I made some other small changes/corrections.

Oh well, I think it is finished so I can trash it.

RE: Final version - maybe

I read it. I guess I can see now why you were saying you freaked yourself out; the sex and violence were pretty strong. But I got a bit confused at the end. What was the cop doing? Why was she involved? Anyway, thanks for giving it to me. I'm amazed at how you can write so much so quickly, with such good dialogue.

RE: Also

You won't be getting that e-mail. But... I don't think I'll be able to go to the thing tomorrow night. I'm sorry, I'll explain later.

I had a great time, too. A really great time.

Also

Hey, I had a great time tonight. You certainly blew me away.

Of course, I'm waiting for your email to tell me to stay away.

RE: You make it?

Alrighty, I'll see you at 5:30.

RE: You make it?

ok, 5:30 is good.

I don't remember Sarah doing that, but I believe it.

Chris dropped me off this morning.

RE: You make it?

Nah, although this is funny, do you remember my old boss calling in for a personal day because she couldn't get her car out of the garage (power failure)? So, how did you get to work?

No, YOU say what time :)

5:30, 6:00, or anytime between.

RE: You make it?

Well, I'm dumb.
I'll leave any time. You say what time.

RE: You make it?

Uhm, there's a way to override the door and operate it manually. Usually a string hangs down that you pull, so you can raise/lower the door by hand. But, yes I'll give you a ride. What time shall I arrive?

RE: You make it?

Barely -- oh my head! Nah, I made it okay. But, I don't have a car today. We had an electrical problem at home so the garage door wouldn't open, so one car is held hostage. Can you give a girl a ride to the library?

You make it?

You make it to work okay?

RE: I like this

Okay, I'll stop. You know I always follow your instructions.

RE: I like this

I know, I know. It's so hard to trust. And I'm not saying there are not things inside me that have never come out. There are. It's a process. I wish you'd stop worrying about freaking me out. You're safe.

RE: I like this

I really like the sound of that. I don't think I'd have a problem letting go once I knew it was safe. I hope that makes sense. While I feel I am trustworthy, I'm not the most trusting person (although I do trust you). Plus, I don't like freaking people out.

RE: I like this

this is not going to work unless you first let go. You can always gather them back up later, but you have to let go. I'll soak them up and keep them safe for you

RE: I like this

That's good advice. I'm an expert at holding back a lot of my feelings.

RE: I like this

you just do what you feel

RE: I like this

Wow, I guess I'm the one lacking experience

RE: I like this

Yes, I'd take care of you. When I said I didn't know what I was doing the other day I was lying

RE: I like this

Mmmm.

RE: I like this

A control freak like you saying that? I'm honored. I can do that. I know how.

RE: I like this

No, I'd prefer you taking control.

RE: I like this

yes me and you. But you would put up a fight? Of course you would. OR a fake fight. Either way. :)

RE: I like this

Hmm, control between me and you? If so, I always succumb to you.

If that isn't what you mean, then haha ;)

RE: I like this

No, it would be a struggle for control -- just like now. haha

RE: I like this

The sober girl would never go for it.....lol ;)

You better SLEEP!!

RE: I like this

don't talk about problems. yes I know exactly how it would happen.

RE: I like this

I'd have you spend the day with me in a local hotel. I don't think it'd solve any problems, but I'd love to hold you and kiss you freely without a armrest or leaning uncomfortably. We could talk endlessly and anything else that happened.

RE: I like this

I don't want to sleep. What would you have me do?

RE: I like this

I have the power to grant you those rights :D

You better get some sleep!

RE: I like this

It isn't necessary. Interesting choice of words. but your choice of course i have absolutely noright to tell you what to do. wish I did but I don't.

But maybe if you really want me to, I'll keep that in mind.

RE: I like this

Nah, it isn't necessary with all these crazy people in the world ;)

You can tell me to do whatever.

RE: I like this

if you mean tearing through women, no don't do it not that I have a right to say so but it would matter. I am indeed crazy. I guess doing it woudl give you fodder for writing. is it worth it? I can't tell you though whether to do it. I don't think you're like that.

RE: I like this

I was referring to the stuff in the story, nut.

You are crazy.

RE: I like this

do it, do what?

yes, I'm still drinking

RE: I like this

I like that "You didn't do those things, right?" Hmm, I guess you are still doubting me? ;)

Maybe I should do it, does it matter?

You still drinking?

RE: I like this

It's just fiction, just fiction. You didn't do those things, right? You're so intelligent that you could take things that go through your mind and make them into a fictional story. You don't do them. But you got some of those feelings out on paper. don't say things like that sweetie it's just fiction

RE: I like this

Nope, I'm the youngest ... the accident.

She'd be fine without me, something else would've happened. I wasn't fishing for compliments.

Of course, you got me wondering abuot my story. How could a sweet person write that stuff? Maybe I'm a creep deep down?

RE: I like this

Maybe it's also being the oldest. Wait, are you the oldest? You're so sweet. What would she do without you? I think it's wonderful and she's lucky.

I'll cede some of the worrying to you, but I reserve some for myself

RE: I like this

It was nice to hear the kind words, but I told her to stop because she had already thanked me and sent a card. A car is freedom for a young person -- go wherever you want!!

Funny, I guess my being raised by mom, sister, and grandma has implanted the worrying trait in me. I'm constantly worrying about people. A good example is the previously mentioned niece, I kept worrying because her car kept breaking down and that really isn't good for a young woman to be stranded. Oh well, I guess we can call a draw with respect to our worrying :)

RE: I like this

That's wonderful. The car, I mean. Funny how a material thing can seem so important.

No, I'm the woman. I'm the worrier. It's what we do.

RE: I like this

which part is annoying? sorry

I worry.

RE: I like this

Is this one of your annoying traits? ;)

Don't worry.

RE: I like this

I don't want you to. I don't want you to want to.

RE: I like this

I don't like certain people drinking ... Plus, I've been drinking more lately.

RE: I like this

ok. I guess that's why people keep trying to get me to drink. ;)

You don't like drinking. It's bad.

RE: I like this

Will you stop apologizing? Why would it gross me out? Anyway, it always loosens you up ;)

RE: I like this

Yes, I know you do.

I'm sorry, I've had a couple. I know that probably grosses you out. But you didn't tell me not to drink tonight.

RE: I like this

I'd like to. But seriously, I know what you are saying.

RE: I like this

You get me.

RE: I like this

Yes ;)-

RE: I like this

No, we don't. We are alike. You know it.

RE: I like this

We really need to stop agreeing.

RE: I like this

Yeeeeessssss. I like it too.

I like this

Even those who share the same bed will have different dreams.

RE: Serenity Now!

Maybe, but I don't take it very well.

Hey, you could offer to baby-sit :D

RE: Serenity Now!

I will be there for her. I'll keep trying to talk to her regularly. I just don't want her isolating herself too much when she's down. Feeling that way and having to take care of a baby has got to be so stressful. You give good advice.

RE: Serenity Now!

A move? Oh, I remember you mentioning that a while back.

What should you do? Hmm, I'm not sure I'm one to give advice these days (who knows what I'd tell you to do). Really, she's getting professional help so what is expected of you? You can be a friend and just be there for her.

RE: Serenity Now!

Don't be silly, silly.

I'm speculating, but maybe this TR thing is about a move? I heard something about that awhile back. I'm probably way off. Usually am on this stuff. They're probably all getting a raise and a big screen TV.

Hmm, my friend says her depression is out of control and she is seeing more than one doctor about it. I'm concerned. Plus, she's doing a lot of drinking, which I can attest is sometimes attractive, but not terribly helpful. What should I do?

RE: Serenity Now!

I guess a person who is unfamiliar with the term is even dumber?

Main Entry: mouth breath·er
Pronunciation: -"brE-th&r
Function: noun
: one who habitually inhales and exhales through the mouth rather than through the nose

RE: Serenity Now!

A mouth breather is a stupid person. I'm not exactly sure why.

RE: Serenity Now!

Okay, I'm confused, what's a "mouth breather"?

RE: Serenity Now!

Meeting with HR is never good. Bunch of mouth breathers.

RE: Serenity Now!

I'm gonna put something in the suggestion box about drug testing. It's about time for some of that action.

RE: Serenity Now!

At least you didn't apologize for apologizing.

Well, the coke doesn't help curb that paranoia. They could avoid a layoff and its associated costs with a round of drug tests to trim some staff.

RE: Serenity Now!

Okay, I'll stop.

Looks like our buddy is worried about being laid off. Or maybe about not being laid off. Not sure. But he's a "hard worker."

RE: Serenity Now!

Yes, there are always firsts.

No, my "complaints" comment was not aimed in your direction. And don't apologize, stoppit!

RE: Serenity Now!

First time for everything. :)

Oh, and I did not miss your comment about what complaints you could have.
I'm not sure if I should say "I'm sorry," but I'm sorry for causing you any complaints. Truly.

RE: Serenity Now!

I'm going to save this email, you said I was right :)

RE: Serenity Now!

You're right, I won't talk about Star Wars.

Okay, I got some nicotine. Working its way through my veins...ahhhh

RE: Serenity Now!

I'm on my way ... Hahaha.

Okay, don't start the Star Wars speak again, you already freaked me out once.

RE: Serenity Now!

You might be able to help me relax...if you were here.

On the other hand, anger is the strongest power in the galaxy!!! :) Maybe I should keep it for later. Might need it.

RE: Serenity Now!

I'm thinking the correct response is not "I could help ease that tension"?

From Seinfeld: "... that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow."

Shall I call bb and get you a fix?

Hang in there, I'd offer to help or something but I'm not sure I am supposed to.

RE: Serenity Now!

OMG, I'm so tense.

There was a TV in the restaurant and he said, "Is that Anne Archer? If so, she hasn't eaten in six months." Or something like that. And then he started on some other actress and I went off. I told him I really didn't want to get into more tearing down of women and I was tired of us having the same conversation over and over. So we argued about whether we've had the conversation over and over and whether he was tearing her down, etc. etc. etc. God, it was stupid. Just like old times. Then we got into this whole frigging thing about Oprah and I am losing my mind.

I need some drinks or something.

RE: Serenity Now!

Me whine? What complaints could I have. My advice is have another drink ;)

So, what was the argument with your bss? Did it involve Madonna or Star Wars?

Serenity Now

So I really, really wanted to go over to the park over lunchtime and walk and be by myself. But I had to go to lunch with people from work. The one lady was literally screaming in my ear, she's so loud, and repeating herself. And I got in a dumb argument with my manager.

My ears hurt and I didn't get my walk and it's beautiful out. Whine, whine.

Do you have any complaints? The window is open!

Sleeping?? I hope you were just tired.

OMG ... Did you see me almost hit that guy last night??? When I turned left, there was a guy crossing the street towards the bookstore and he was dress in all black. I didn't see him until the last minute, I swerved and braked and he jumped and screamed (yes, like a girl).

Good lord, I finished that Barbie doll story. That is some sick shit.

RE: Thoughts

Hmm, I won't answer the first question. These days everything is a sign.

Not real big, I came out about eighty ahead at the end of the day.

RE: Thoughts

Ah, More Than Pretty and Character Builder. Let me guess: the first one is you and the second one is me? haha Is it a sign?

Did you bet big?

RE: Thoughts

Uhm, you didn't comment on the names of my winning horses??

RE: Thoughts

I do. :)

I finally finished War of the Worlds today. Can't wait to discuss the movie.
;)

RE: Thoughts

You say so ;)

RE: Thoughts

Well, when you told me not to, I didn't think I needed to tell you not to. Are you okay? Don't worry. It's going to be allright.

RE: Thoughts

Yeah .. I guess that isn't good, but it wasn't too much.

RE: Thoughts

It was a joke that I was drinking.

You were drinking? At the track???

RE: Thoughts

I can't tell, is that a joke?

Also, is it weird that I'm at the track drinking?

RE: Thoughts

If you say so. :)

It looks like you had a good time at the track. I'm ok, don't worry about me. I only drank one bottle of wine. haha

RE: Thoughts

Stoppit, everything is fine ;)

RE: Thoughts

I won't drink; I don't think I could hold it down.

RE: Thoughts

Well, I know I didn't sleep much - it was a restless sleep and I kept waking up.

I know I needed to hear what you said last night, but I can't remember feeling any worse than when you left and I was alone. It was a weird feeling, I felt like crying but there were no tears. It's hard to have what you want so close, but I do respect your wishes. Truthfully, I think you are one in a million, so finding another is not going to happen and a search would be a waste of time. On the other hand, we'll survive this storm and hopefully continue to be friends.

And, no drinking (for you) today!

Thoughts

It made me a bit sick to my stomach to leave you tonight. I wanted to stay up all night talking. We may still not have come up with any more answers, but it would be fun, anyhow. I do know that you should be with someone who treats you the way you treat me. You should be made to feel special because even though you try to deny it, you're an incredible, patient, caring, loving man. Whether you have that at home, or can regain it, or find it elsewhere, I want you to have it. Okay, I'm going to stop because I'm coming apart.

My brain is jumbled and I don't think I'll sleep much tonight.

RE: Beat you to it

Yes and yes.

RE: Beat you to it

We can meet there at 7:00, Mr. Agreeable. ;)

RE: Beat you to it

Hey, and yes lunch was great (as always).

No, thank you for reading the story. There's a few minor changes and some additional stuff at the end (more being added).

I guess the 8:00 will work, we can meet down there around 7:00 or 7:30?? Whatever works for you ;)

Beat you to it

Thank you for lunch.

Ha! You always thank me first but this time, I beat you to it. It was great to get away and go to lunch with you. And thank you, thank you, thank you for bringing the story. I can't wait to read it again.

There are basically no good movies playing. I guess there's that Crash movie, which might suck, but nothing else really seems worth it. The comedy club has an 8 and a 10:30 show. First show is smoke-free! :) So ... what do you think? Want to try one of those things, or just meet up somewhere else and play it by ear and hang out? Maybe I'll do some more checking and see if something else looks interesting, too.

RE: So?

A'ight, I'll see you at noon.

RE: So?

Eh, you can pick me up. It's cool.

So?

I was going to suggest I pick you up at noon, but I guess that breaks a rule so you tell me what to do.

RE: OMG

Um, I had some relevant dreams as well.

RE: OMG

I was a bit disoriented, but I'm okay now. I had several dreams last night that didn't help.

RE: OMG

Yup.

I went a bit crazy for a few seconds. (Or, crazier, I guess.) I'm ok now, though. How are you today?

RE: OMG

At least he didn't say "I saw you and your husband making out on the steps on that funeral home." ;)

Kinda funny after some of the things we talked about last night, but I'm sure you probably freaked out.

RE: OMG

Why didn't I think of that? He did say he was on his second margarita at the time, so it might have worked...

RE: OMG

You should've said, that wasn't me ;)

RE: OMG

No. I said, that wasn't my husband. He said he was sitting in the upstairs at a restaurant and looking out the window. He looked a little bit confused when I said I was with a friend. He said, oh I've never seen your husband, so I guess I saw you with SOME MAN. Awkward.

RE: OMG

Are you messing with me?

OMG

I come in to work all focused and ready to get stuff done and the first thing a guy says to me is, "I saw you and your husband walking last night."

E: Book series/festival

Alright, I'll send you an email tomorrow to work it out.

RE: Book series/festival

Yeah, I want to have lunch tomorrow. Shouldn't be a problem, I don't think.
I deserve a long lunch, too, since I'm working right now, thanks to Star Wars.

RE: Book series/festival

I was out in the freaking rain, and don't think I didn't think about that missed opportunity.

Hey, I was going to ask if you wanted to have lunch tomorrow. No big deal if you're rather not - or actually busy. My boss is out tomorrow, and I guess I won't be able to take such long lunches (driving downtown) if I get another job.

RE: Book series/festival

Nah, she won't know me.

Ok, the movie is done. Gah, it was boring. There were about three good minutes at the end when Anakin got his butt whooped and he got all crispy and they put him in the Darth Vader suit. That's about it. Then my friend and I went to get sushi and beers and it's RAINING LIKE CRAZY OUT THERE. Dang. Missed opportunity. ;)

RE: Book series/festival

Oh, I was just asking if she'd recognize you.

You getting excited?? Movie time is nearing!!

RE: Book series/festival

I don't really know her. Do you?

RE: Book series/festival

Wednesday works for me.

Lord, you know her?

RE: Book series/festival

Sure, that would be interesting. Maybe Wednesday?

Interesting side point: my co-worker''s wife works on this event.

Book series/festival

Hey,

I forgot to mention this last night. The university's Festival of Contemporary Writing is next week attended a few of the days last year and it was okay. I was thinking about next Tuesday and/or Wednesday (and I'm always open to others), so I wasn't sure if you thought it might be interesting.

RE: Hey

I wonder under what circumstances we'll be reflecting and laughing? Okay, forget that comment.

Yeah, I'm always seeing places through the lens of our going there. And, intense is the right word.

I hope you like the book, I did get kinda paranoid at you seeing my comments so I removed some sticky notes I had on a few pages. Thanks for loaning me the CDs, I'm going to play one in a minute.

Sleep tight :)

RE: Hey

Hi,
Okay, we can do this. You help me and I'll help you. You know, one day, we'll look back and laugh and laugh at ourselves and how silly we were acting. It'll be one more memorable time we shared. It's funny, while were driving around, I was thinking, "we had dinner together there, and we went there together," and on and on. I don't know if it's because our meetings tend to be so full of intense conversation or what, but my memories of them are so vivid. And you know I can't say that about everything.

Hey

I hope you're okay and you get some sleep. I think we can follow our rules without any problems. After all, who better to give it a shot than two such intelligent people??

I consider myself fortunate to have had the chance to get to know you so well. I value every second I am able to spend with you, and I don't want to lose my dearest friend.

RE: Hey

The food sounds good. Hmm, you are becoming a hot tub person -- whatever that means.

Weekend was okay, nothing exciting.

RE: Hey

It was good. Dinner last night. We had Thai food. I made fried rice with pineapple, shrimp, chicken and cashews. It was good and everything else was, too, as usual. It was a very drink-y dinner and then we got in the hot tub. Little much for a Sunday night.

How was yours?

Hey

How was your weekend?

RE: And this

Okay, WOW.

Your writing is great and now my head is spinning trying to think of what the hell I'm doing today. I think I'll go catch a movie or something, I need time to think.

RE: And this

We slammed our car doors shut at the same time, flinging water droplets onto the dash and inside of the windshield. Panting from the run across the parking lot, I laughed, “How does that happen? You go into a movie in the afternoon, and it’s a beautiful, sunshiny day. You come out an hour and a half later to black skies and a thunderstorm!”

“I don’t know, but I love it.”

The husky tenor of his voice made me snap my head to the left. Our eyes locked for a second. I cleared my throat and drew my fingers under my eyes to wipe the moisture and what I figured were some scary mascara rings away.

I started shaking my head side to side like a dog, my soaked hair releasing some of the rain. My heart started to beat a bit more slowly, my breath slowing.

“Don’t do that,” he ordered.

“Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to get your interior any more wet than it already is,” I snapped.

“That’s not it.”

I could barely hear him over the rain pounding on the roof of the car. I stared at the sheets running down the windshield for one, two, three slamming heartbeats, then turned toward him again, pushing my hair off my face.

His back was pressed to the car door, his legs rigid. Every part of him was still except his eyes, which flicked back and forth, looking into my right, then my left eye, then down to my lips.

I squirmed onto my side. How was I going to get over the infernal armrest?
As I swung up on one knee, he pushed forward, till I could feel his breath on my face. Gently, I pulled him the last few inches to me. As our lips met, a shiver went through him and his stillness disappeared. Both his hands went to my neck, my face, and he kissed me deeply. His mouth was different from what I had imagined, softer. I mimicked him; wherever he put his hands on me, I did on him, gently scratching the back of his neck with my nails as we explored with our tongues.

I had to get over that damned armrest. “Scooch over this way.”

He shifted his hips toward me and I swung myself over, miraculously just fitting into the available space. The steering wheel jutting into my back, I strained closer.

He clutched my back, chuckling, “This is ridiculous.”

“Yeah … oh crap … ow … my back … completely.” I held his face, kissing his eyes, nose and lips as my hair fell down around us. “It’s just like I imagined it.”

RE: And this

Yeah, but our minds fill in the blanks since we were there. I just don't think the writing/description is any good, but I'm going to keep trying.

And this

She slowly bit her lip while giving a thoughtful glance.

"Will you be mad if I ask you to kiss me?" she finally speaks.

An electric charge surges through my body as I contemplate the question. I feel like responding with a request for forgiveness considering what I want to do with her. My head slowly moves
>side-to-side in disagreement. She smiles with a look of confusion at the response. I gaze into the dark, inviting eyes with sudden paralysis. The mind questions my actions with a struggle ensuing, but I finally manage to move.

My right hand disappears in the dark hair as I lean into her. I cup her head preparing to forcefully answer the question. My calculations go awry as my lips find her chin, but a quick correction and giggle leads to the waiting lips. I tingle as her fingers make their way through my ever-vanishing hair.

It begins with a dry peck to confirm the right location. I feel the warm breath mingle with my own as her lips slowly separate. I tilt my head as our tongues perform the initial introductions while dancing back-and-forth. Our mouths meet and seemingly meld into one. I close my eyes losing myself in her embrace - oblivious to our surroundings while the left hand ventures on his own, discovering other parts of the beautiful body.

I reluctantly end the embrace as we retreat to our corners of the truck's cab. I don't want the moment to end with other parts of my body agreeing. I shift in my seat to conceal the desire. I desperately want to continue the exploration. Our eyes meet, exchanging unspoken words.

"I guess I better be going, " she says with another nibble of the upper lip.

I want to lock the doors, grab her and refuse but I nod fully accepting and acknowledging the statement. We exchange smiles as the door closes. I sit staring as the truck idles - waiting for my return to earth.

RE: And this

Very descriptive ;)

RE: Hey

I was collecting me thoughts so I could drive.

RE: Hey

Yes, I did.

I feel like I need to apologize. You said you'd gotten yourself to a place where we were going to be friends and all that and I didn't respect that. I got overwhelmed and I should have worked harder at controlling it.

I already thought you were amazing, and when you said you wanted me to be happy, it just confirmed it. You seemed much more together and composed than I felt last night. I'm sorry for acting crazy. I guess I need to spend more time collecting my thoughts as well.

Hey

Well, I sat in the parking lot for a while longer to collect my thoughts (and self). I hope you made it home safely.

RE: Don't be scared

Shall we dance :)

That silly phrase is stuck in my head from an show I watched last night. So, you wanna get something to eat? Just tell me where and when.

RE: Don't be scared

I'm free after work. Or any time.

My list

Okay, here's my list of annoying traits to help you to dislike me (that I think and have been told) ....

1. I'm moody
2. I love to talk
3. I often blurt out what I'm thinking
4. I'm a neat freak
5. I often go days without shaving (my face)
6. I often crack up at things I'm watching and beg others by saying "you gotta see this"
7. I drive like a maniac
8. I snore way too loud
9. I like to hog the bed (but a king size mattress seems to cure this)
10. I'm generous to the point of others seemingly taking advantage of me
11. I can be obsessive; this especially causes trouble with projects (like home stuff) where I just have to finish it
12. I change jobs way too often
13. I like to be left alone
14. Hate to be constantly touched, but I'll constantly touch others
15. Like to be in control (see #14)
16. I'm very tight about spending money. This clashes with #10 but may be in line with #15.
17. I'm never satisfied
18. I'm way too negative
19. Think too much
20. Easily bored

One surprising thing is that I love shaving women's legs, so that solves one of your problems ... just kidding ;)

RE: Don't be scared

The only thing that scares me is when you say "if" you see me again.

Don't be scared

Okay, I thought my including that line with "love" in it may freak you out. It is just a quote, but I can't remember the whole thing.

RE: I have an idea

You're a nut.

I think quite a few of those things are just being a woman. And, you don't think I know you can be annoying ;)

You don't love someone because they are perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.

I have an idea

So, what if I made you aware of a whole bunch of annoying things about me?
And you could even imagine me doing other things that really, really annoy you, because chances are I do those too. I'm a very annoying person. It'll take the shine off, I bet. This could work!

For instance, did you know I:

Let the gas go to E before refilling it
Always have dog hair all over my clothes
Am a slob -- I hate to clean!
Fill up all the drawers and cabinets in the bathroom with my crap so nobody else can have any room for theirs
Get really whiney when I'm tired, bored or hungry
Spend too much money on stupid shit like lip gloss
Take all the covers
Have a disturbing amount of jewelry -- and want more
Hate sports -- I really don't get it and I say so while someone else is trying to enjoy watching sports
Am late half the time
Don't allow a TV in the bedroom
Have to read all the newspaper sections first when they're fresh
Wait way, way too long between times shaving my legs
Avoid showering on the weekends -- we're talking downright rank sometimes
Have coffee breath

This is off the top of my head.

Are you annoyed yet?

RE: Thanks

Anger isn't always bad if it is properly channeled. I know I've been more productive this week.

My first response to this email was to say you could fix it, but that isn't true. There really isn't anything to fix, we live and we learn. I feel like I had a peek at something great, and I'm not sure what to do with that knowledge. As the old saying goes, what doesn't kills us makes us stronger -- or something like that. Geez, I guess I'm full of clichés.

I'm fine, we're fine, and, well I won't speak for you.

RE: Thanks

I know I can't stop you from being angry at all, but, god, I wish I could.

RE: Thanks

I'm not angry with you.

RE: Thanks

Okay, you are angry. And it's mixed with a lot of other emotions. But please at least consider not pushing me all the way away. Please.

RE: Thanks

It's funny, I had some time where I seemed to relax and not fear consequences. But, it was just my foolishness getting the best of me. My unrelenting anger has returned and turned inward, so who knows where that'll lead. I do know that I disagree with you about being more open - people need to be kept at a distance.

Yes, it is naïve to think nobody will get hurt. It just isn't possible.

RE: Thanks

It truly hurts my heart to think that you feel ripped open, even if you feel you did it to yourself. But maybe it's a good thing as well. Some people never let themselves really feel anything and that's no way to live life.
I'm happy that I got in. When you said you didn't know how I'd done it, since you worked at keeping people out, it gave me such a rush. Even if you tell me you never want to see me again, I'll always know that I got inside and changed you.

For myself, I have learned something -- not sure exactly what it is yet, entirely -- in the last few weeks. Maybe it's that I need to be more open to people and to expressing myself. You never know what can happen when you do, right? And I guess I still feel there's so much more to say. Could be painful, could be beautiful. But I really meant it when I said I didn't want to hurt anyone. Yes, I know that's naive.

If you don't want to see me for awhile, I understand. I hope you don't mean for good? I like to think that you'll want to discuss your thoughts and plans with me. But whatever you decide is how it'll be. You offered the same to me. I want you to have the clarity to make the decisions you are trying to make.

"It's a good thing to have all the props pulled out from under us occasionally. It gives us some sense of what is rock under our feet, and what is sand."
Madeleine L'Engle

RE: Thanks

I guess the "annoy" jab is a reference to our conversation at the picnic table? Nah, I'm not annoyed, I met a buddy at the Bats game. The conversation wasn't as good as yours, but the weather was great. By the way, I wasn't implying we sneak around - I would've said I was going to the movie just like last week. It's funny, I know we've joked about it but I haven't had to lie. Maybe that isn't funny but just scary? Also, I wasn't thinking of going to the movie tonight.

I walked down by the river (yes, again) after the game, and my mind was roaring. Yeah, I know, we've been through all of this. I've been so caught up with worrying about freaking you out or pushing you into something that I guess I kinda forgot about me.

I was a fool to open up by confessing my feelings to you, so I apologize again. I feel like I've been ripped open (by myself) and I'm not sure if I (or we) can go back. There's a silly quote in Everything Changes that says "A man's two great loves should be his woman and his work." and I'm not sure if I'm fulfilling either. I think you are the greatest, but I realize friendship is the beginning and end. It has opened my mind to wondering (in addition to the fantasizing). I know I'll never find anyone like you, but maybe such a connection is possible with somebody else - discuss life, books, films, and so on. Or, maybe it's right in front of me and I'm a bigger fool than I realize. Can one person be everything to another?

On the job front, I've been screwing off for far too long. I don't just dislike my job but the actual career. A further investigation of the offer seems like the same old thing, so staying where I'm at to figure things out may be best. I will take some classes and get going with some other stuff. I never stop thinking, so hopefully the light will finally go off. Maybe the mysticism will pay off as well.

I respect and admire you more than you can ever know. You shouldn't beat yourself up by thinking you are a hypocrite, life is not static - we learn and grow as we mature. I'm sure we'll learn from recent events. Maybe you were right to suggest a cooling off period - who knows how long it'll take. Time will not alter my opinion of you, but maybe it'll clear the mind. I'm sure we'll both survive and move on with our lives. Hopefully, the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is not universal. At least I know "out of sight, out of mind" isn't true.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." - Victor Frankl

RE: Thanks

Thanks for not cancelling. I suppose that would have freaked me out, as well. I'm glad I got to see you. It went by too fast.

I know I mentioned this evening. I'm going to stay home. If that annoys you, I'm sorry. But I'm hoping it'll make you respect me. I can't feel like I am sneaking around.

I'm still your magician.

Thanks

I wish all of my lunches could be so nice, thanks again for the food and great company. I felt like I was stabbed when you became angry at the table, I really didn't express myself very well :(

It's funny, I wanted to lean over and kiss you as we swayed back and forth on the swing. But, I do understand the rules and I'll abide by them. I don't want to lose my confidant, my sounding board, my magician :)

Good luck with the interview!

Oh yeah, I know you want to keep your distance, but (there's always a but) I wanted to see a movie. Let me know if you have any interest. I'm usually free, but I do have plans tomorrow night.

RE: Quick story explanation

I can pick you up and we can drive down to the waterfront or somewhere down there. I'll be there about 12:15. These are the times when I need a cell phone. I guess we can play pope - if I see black smoke I'll know you cancelled :)

RE: Quick story explanation

I have to go into a meeting at 11 and it is scheduled until 12. It's possible it'll go over, but I doubt it. So I'll plan on 12 or a bit after.

Right now, it's not raining. Still want to meet in the park? Want to meet me by that sculpture?

RE: Quick explanation

I can pick you up and we can drive down to the waterfront or somewhere down there. I'll be there about 12:15. These are the times when I need a cell phone. I guess we can play pope - if I see black smoke I'll know you cancelled :)

> I have to go into a meeting at 11 and it is scheduled until 12. It's possible
> it'll go over, but I doubt it. So I'll plan on 12 or a bit after.
>
> Right now, it's not raining. Still want to meet in the park? There's a huge metal
> sculpture in the park, directly between the river and that new stair-stepped condo
> building by the ballpark. Want to meet me by that sculpture?

RE: Quick explanation

Geez, I'm still sitting here working .. yep, making up for last week.

Oh, I was just joking.

So, you didn't get anything? Tell me what kinda of fruit and cheese you like and I'll bring it.

> Sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
>
> So do I need to bring anything?

RE: Quick explanation

You ask 'for lunch?' ... are you messing with me?

Okay, I'll bring some water and something else.

>For lunch? How about some fruit and cheese? Or I'll bring it. I have to go the >store. I don't have any food in the house.

RE: Quick explanation

Hmm, I'm not sure, what do you want? I really don't have anything here that I could fix/bring ... Hmmm.

> Okay, we could go to the park.
>
> What are you gonna bring me???

RE: Quick explanation

Wow :)

Well, I could bring something and we could go to the park. I'm trying to maximize my time.

Yeah, I could use something to help me relax as well.

> Yes you will. ;)
>
> We'll figure out the details later.
>
> I'm going to go to yoga and TRY to relax and be bendy. :)

RE: Quick explanation

Hmmm, lunch, such a short time but I take what I can get ;)

>I really stayed away for a long time, huh? Let's meet for lunch.

RE: Quick explanation

I'll tell you when I see you.

I'll meet you now, later, tomorrow, whenever ... okay, I guess I shouldn't have said that. Anyway, that is a yes and don't be worried ;)

>I want to know what scene you were thinking of.
>
>Okay, I was thinking you might meet me one day this week. Tomorrow?

RE: Quick explanation

Nah, your answers are never wrong ... oh wait, I do remember one time .. okay ALMOST never wrong :)

Nope, that isn't the scene I was talking about but I like it too (I had forgotten).

Yeah, I'm anxious to discuss it to, but I'm afraid to ask about your schedule. I'm sure you are busy, so maybe lunch one day or whatever.

>Ok, now I feel like I'm taking a test and I might get the answer wrong. :)
>
>Also, the picture got pixillated during the scene I'm thinking of so I couldn't >catch every word. But are you referring to when she was saying that they used to >sit on the couch and do their laundry and it sounds boring, and it was boring, but >it was fun? The whole premise of the movie was very interesting, especially, of >course, because it was the woman who started the experiment. Ok, now I really want >to talk to you about it!
>

RE: Quick explanation

Well, I'm like the troops and you are the general ... awaiting orders. Okay, now I'm laughing.

I am surprised that you watched it. I look forward to discussing it, because I've found nobody who has seen it unless I loaned it to them. The few I loaned it to think I condoned the whole movie theme, but really I watched it as a comedy and there are a few scenes that cracked me up. Did you catch the really sad moment/scene? Oh well, we can discuss it whenever.

> I like hearing that I am in charge. I think.
>
> Yes, I watched it. I liked it. Are you surprised? But, yes, we'll discuss.

RE: File this under e-mails you're not supposed to send

Mmmm, yep, you are are always providing thoughtful insight. Okay, I'll stop.

>> Yeah, it gave me a shivery feeling when I read it. Like anyone has the potential to make something beautiful out of what nobody else notices.

RE: Something to read

Uh oh, why is nut in capital letters? I guess I can respond that it takes one to know one :D

No, it is not a cautionary tale -- don't be silly. It is another story that actually happened (most of it).

>> You are a NUT! A funny nut. Is this a cautionary tale? I'm going to have to go back and read this again.

RE: Quick story explanation

Geez, I'm still sitting here working .. yep, making up for last week.

Oh, I was just joking.

So, you didn't get anything? Tell me what kinda of fruit and cheese you like and I'll bring it.

RE: Quick story explanation

Sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

So do I need to bring anything?

RE: Quick story explanation

You ask 'for lunch?' ... are you messing with me?

Okay, I'll bring some water and something else.

RE: Quick story explanation

For lunch? How about some fruit and cheese? Or I'll bring it. I have to go the store. I don't have any food in the house.

RE: Quick story explanation

Yes you will. ;)

We'll figure out the details later.

I'm going to go to yoga and TRY to relax and be bendy. :)

RE: Quick story explanation

Hmm, I'm not sure, what do you want? I really don't have anything here that I could fix/bring ... Hmmm.

RE: Quick story explanation

Okay, we could go to the park.

What are you gonna bring me???

RE: Quick story explanation

Wow :)

Well, I could bring something and we could go to the park. I'm trying to maximize my time.

Yeah, I could use something to help me relax as well.

RE: Quick story explanation

Hmmm, lunch, such a short time but I take what I can get ;)

RE: Quick story explanation

I really stayed away for a long time, huh? Let's meet for lunch.

RE: Quick story explanation

I'll tell you when I see you.

I'll meet you now, later, tomorrow, whenever ... okay, I guess I shouldn't have said that. Anyway, that is a yes and don't be worried ;)

RE: Quick story explanation

I want to know what scene you were thinking of.

Okay, I was thinking you might meet me one day this week. Tomorrow?

RE: Quick story explanation

Ok, now I feel like I'm taking a test and I might get the answer wrong. :)

Also, the picture got pixillated during the scene I'm thinking of so I couldn't catch every word. But are you referring to when she was saying that they used to sit on the couch and do their laundry and it sounds boring, and it was boring, but it was fun? The whole premise of the movie was very interesting, especially, of course, because it was the woman who started the experiment. Ok, now I really want to talk to you about it!

RE: Quick story explanation

Well, I'm like the troops and you are the general ... awaiting orders. Okay, now I'm laughing.

I am surprised that you watched it. I look forward to discussing it, because I've found nobody who has seen it unless I loaned it to them. The few I loaned it to think I condoned the whole movie theme, but really I watched it as a comedy and there are a few scenes that cracked me up. Did you catch the really sad moment/scene? Oh well, we can discuss it whenever.

RE: Quick story explanation

I like hearing that I am in charge. I think.

Yes, I watched it. I liked it. Are you surprised? But, yes, we'll discuss.

RE: Quick story explanation

That's too funny. What a strange experience.

Buddy, you owe me some gambling winnings, so don't think you're not gonna see me! Plus, I need to give you back your comedy CDs, and the movie (I watched it) and some books... there are lots of reasons.

Quick story explanation

Okay, I just remembered that I won't get the opportunity to see you anytime soon :(

So, the quick explanation on that story is that I actually did run into my sister's ex-best friend on Saturday at Kroger. And yes, all of the physical descriptions are true (before and after). The conversation is pretty much on target as well - she's turned into a nut. Really, the only part I made up were the names, the Lexus (wink), and the ice cream.

RE: Something to read

Uh oh, why is nut in capital letters? I guess I can respond that it takes one to know one :D

No, it is not a cautionary tale -- don't be silly. It is another story that actually happened (most of it).

RE: Something to read

You are a NUT! A funny nut. Is this a cautionary tale? I'm going to have to go back and read this again.

Something to read

Did you like my silly story :/

RE: Daft - finished book

The book title? Didn't it come from the song she liked? Oh well, we can discuss whenever you are comfortable/available.

RE: Daft - finished book

Yeah, you can tell he's English. My first question is, why did he give it that title? Anyway, we can discuss. ;)

RE: Quick story explanation

Nah, your answers are never wrong ... oh wait, I do remember one time .. okay ALMOST never wrong :)

Nope, that isn't the scene I was talking about but I like it too (I had forgotten).

Yeah, I'm anxious to discuss it to, but I'm afraid to ask about your schedule. I'm sure you are busy, so maybe lunch one day or whatever.

RE: File this under e-mails you're not supposed to send

Nope, you are always right :)

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. How was the conversation with dad -- stiff??

What goes through a woman's mind? That does sound interesting.

I hope you had a good night as well. Hey, I thought of a new title for my story/

"How wonderful that we have met with a paradox. Now we have some hope of making progress." -- Niels Bohr

RE: File this under e-mails you're not supposed to send

Ah, I think you mean you don't want to stop them, but I've been drinking and I might be wrong

I'm glad she liked the gift. I talked to my mother. I also talked to my father and he told me some things about her health that she hadn't toldme that are not good. I hope your momis doing well.

I have been reading an old book this weekend and I am really enjoying it.
It is interesting that I picked it up at this time. Some is dated (from the
70s) but a lot of it is still insightful, about what goes through a woman's mind. Either some things are universal or I am projecting myself into the story. I may have to read her other books as well.

RE: File this under e-mails you're not supposed to send

Thank you for the compliment, but I don't think there is anything I can say to calm your nerves or stop the scary thoughts.

I spent this afternoon at my Mom's house for Mother's Day (I gave her that book "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" -- yes I cringed when I bought it but she liked it). My sister was telling a story about some lady with a lot of hair, and of course my thoughts turn to you your beautiful mane. Oops, I guess I wasn't supposed to type that.

Hope all is well :)

RE: File this under e-mails you're not supposed to send

Amazing. You always seem to say the right thing. Scary, really. I keep getting overwhelmed by thoughts and images and it scares me.

Daft - finished book

I finished the Never Let Me Go book, and it was definitely different. I guess we can discuss it whenever. The author used "daft" quite a bit in the book, I guess it is common in England but it kinda distracted me (yeah, I'm weird). Also, the character said the guy looked like he gained a stone -- yeah, I had to look that up to (14 lbs).

Daft - finished book

I finished the Never Let Me Go book, and it was definitely different. I guess we can discuss it whenever. The author used "daft" quite a bit in the book, I guess it is common in England but it kinda distracted me (yeah, I'm weird). Also, the character said the guy looked like he gained a stone -- yeah, I had to look that up to (14 lbs).

File this under e-mails you're not supposed to send

My attempts to think about you less are not working.

RE: File this under e-mails you're not supposed to send

Okay, I'll file this with the ton of email that I haven't sent to you ;)

But seriously, I seem to see you in everything. As I watch something on television I think of telling you, when I read something I think of discussing it with you, and on and on. The first bet I made yesterday was on a horse with a name close to yours.

Last week's kiss was amazing. While I realize it may never happen again, I'll cherish that moment (plus those three nights) forever. How can something blow away the many fantasies I've had about that moment??

"Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases." ~Chinese Proverb

RE: A few thoughts before letting this go

I won't say that it doesn't make me sad, but I do understand. I'll refrain from emailing, IM'ing, or even calling until you feel comfortable. So, just send me an email or whatever when/if that happens.

RE: A few thoughts before letting this go

Listening to those people didn't make me feel any shittier than I already did. You're my friend and you're going to keep being my friend. And I'm going to keep talking to you about things that I want to hear your thoughts on. I might not see you for a little while, though.

A few thoughts before letting this go

I am not going to lump you into a show's topic focusing on unfaithful men. I know we crossed a line last night, and I blame myself knowing your apprehension. While it isn't easy, I think we can take a step back and go no further. Maybe my mind is clouded with emotions, and maybe I'm foolish to think we can stop but I don't want to lose your friendship. I have so many thoughts at the moment - it is hard to express them. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and discussing your story and doing the same with mine. Where else would I get such insight? Hell, I just always enjoy talking with you. I didn't get those feelings/thoughts from that show (their relationships), but I understand if you want me to disappear (forever or just awhile).

RE: I'm sorry

I'm sorry.

Thanks

Okay, now I'm tying the noose, thanks for pointing me to that uplifting Oprah episode.

Thanks for the call

I hope you are able to be somewhat productive.

I'm feeling bad, because I fear I pressured you to do something you didn't want to. I am really sorry, so direct all of your bad thoughts in my direction. It pains me to realize my actions are causing you distress.

RE: Still floating

You're not a bad person!! You're the best, so stop beating yourself over it. Put all the blame on me and throw your anger in my direction. It makes me feel awful to think I've caused you pain, especially when you made me feel so good. If I never have the opportunity to touch you again, I'll always have this week.

I got very little sleep, I was in and out. After saying I rarely have erotic dreams, I had a very powerful dream about you - although it wasn't x-rated. It was one of those dreams that you don't want to stop, where reality is a letdown. I kept thinking I'd call you for lunch or whatever, but I realize my week with you is over.

Yes, work has been painful. You've setup shop in my brain and pushed everything else aside, but I'm sure we'll get through this.

RE: Still floating

I did sleep, but then I woke up. It's been a little adventure this week. I don't know what I'm thinking right now. No, that's not true. I can feel it creeping up on me that I'm a terrible person. I suppose I should go back to bed and see if I can sleep some more. Somehow I have to do a lot of work tomorrow. Quality will suffer, I'm quite sure.

Hope you're sleeping soundly.

Still floating

I am a bit sad to see my three day marathon end, but I feel blessed that you chose to spend it with me. You are a truly remarkable lady who has cast her spell on me -- do with me what you will!

Anyway, kissing you was pure bliss. I didn't want to stop, and the opportunity to have "my way" with your hair was colossal. I can't remember wanting something (you, not the hair although I do love the hair) so much.

I'm sure your emotions are as confused as mine, so don't be afraid to vent in my direction. I do hope you get some sleep.

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." - Marcel Proust

RE: Thanks

No need for you to apologize, I don't need a television show to berate myself.

RE: Thanks

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you to watch Oprah.

RE: Please read it

Ah, you saying that (or typing it) gave me chills :) Okay, I'm a bit silly this afternoon.

You know I'll give you my opinion :)

RE: More thoughts

Or something? Just kidding ;)

I'll see you at Wick's around 6:00. We can eat or change our mind (or yours) at that time.

Now get back to work!!

Please read it

I know my story needs a lot of work, but I wanted to get your thoughts. Please be gentle. :)

RE: More thoughts

I don't remember if you like [pizza[? Want to meet there at 6? I have not gotten any work done today and I need to do some now. There are lots of other places around there, too, or we could go see another movie, or something.

RE: More thoughts

Uhm, many thoughts (just kidding) but whatever you wanna do. As I've said previously, just tell me what to do.

RE: More thoughts

What do you want to do? Actually eat dinner?

RE: More thoughts

Hey, we can meet somewhere in your neck of the woods. Just say when/where.

RE: More thoughts

Oh, maybe I can get that corny response out of you later. :)

I don't feel too bad, really. Just taking advantage of the opportunity not to go into the office, really. The poor dogs spent so many hours home alone yesterday, too, they're about ready to rip my throat out.

RE: More thoughts

Are you feeling worse? Shall I bring you some chicken soup?

I have a corny response to your question of my getting sick, but I'll keep it to myself :)

RE: More thoughts

I'm still free tonight. :)

I'm thinking of working from home today so I don't spread my germs around the office. I hope you don't get sick from being around me.

More thoughts

I hope you made it home with no problems. I had this idiot (him not me) almost hit me as he abruptly changed lanes. Oh well, it startled me out of my deep thoughts :)

It's funny, I always think of more things to say or ask you when I leave. Remind me the next time we meet, I have a few additional comments about tonight's conversation. I know you had said Mon, Tues, Wed earlier in the week - I planned it but, I understand if you are busy or don't feel up to it.

Sleep tight.

RE: Exhale

Thank you for saying that. It's true that I did and didn't want to know how that would feel. I guess I have flashes of anger, but I'll get over it. It's incredible how we talked and talked. It seems we never run out of things to discuss. I hope we never do.

I also don't want to have any big regrets.

Exhale

I hope tonight wasn't too much pressure. Your "press me up against car and run hands through hair" statement was exciting, but I never really had the impression you wanted me to do that. I figured you'd stiff arm me if I ever tried that ;) I never thought sitting and holding a person hand could make me feel so good.

You're a great person. I respect you in so many ways, and I don't want to do anything to lose your friendship. I can't say I regret expressing my true feelings weeks ago, because I didn't want to be wondering "what if" many years from now. I just hope you're not mad or too uncomfortable around me.

RE: Exhale

A'ight, I'll see you then.

RE: Exhale

Yeah, I can make the 5:00 movie, where and when you wanna meet?

RE: Exhale

How about if I meet you at the theater about 4:30?

RE: Exhale

Hey, I feel like leaving now too. I was actually thinking of leaving early.
Maybe I can arrange that and we could catch that 5:00 movie. Is that a possibility for you?

RE: Exhale

Hey,

I hope your day is going well. My lunch interview was unbelievable, but now I wonder if it is too good to be true. I can give you more information later, if you still want to hang out. It's nice outside if you wanna take a walk after work - we could meet at a park (or wherever). I checked the schedule for Chicken Run, but its last run of the day is 5:00.

I feel like taking off now. Anyway, let me know if/when/where you wanna meet.

RE: I'm losing it

You like Michael Jackson (old stuff)?

RE: I'm losing it

You tell me, you're my magician :)

RE: I'm losing it

So I am. How about good old Benjamin Franklin. That guy never shut up.

RE: I'm losing it

You're a nut :)

The quote is "Change is inevitable" .. Real deep huh? Uhm, [the editor] does edit the article but I rarely give them a close review to know what has changed ... I just make sure the general theme(if any) is okay.

RE: I'm losing it

Ah, well, that'll make it through. Still, impressively done. Who'll you quote next?

RE: I'm losing it

Whoa! Over-achiever! Think it'll stay in? Does [your editor] ever take anything out? What is the quote?

I'm losing it

I just managed to work in a Benjamin Disraeli quote in my [article].

RE: A good poem?

In that case, I guess I better not be late ;)

RE: A good poem?

I'm practicing asserting my authority.

K, I will see you there at 5:30.

RE: A good poem?

I "must", aren't you taking your manager role to heart. It sounds like you wanna go to A, so that is fine. I've never been there or G's, so I guess 5:30?

RE: A good poem?

It's not really formal. It's nice.

RE: A good poem?

As usual I'm clueless, but I thought A was kinda formal (I'm probably wrong). We can do that or find somewhere on .... well, wherever.

But, 5:30 works for me.

RE: A good poem?

Ah, okay, I know where it is. You changing your mind? No way!!! :)

Well, just lemme know when and where.

Okay, I'm looking forward to the story.

RE: A good poem?

Well, do you want to go there? Where would you like to go? Pizza? Italian?
I'm open to suggestions. How about 5:30, wherever we go.

RE: A good poem?

Hmmm, I'm not a big fan of the first place (unless you really want to go there) so maybe the other? Of course, I have no idea where it's at.

How's your day going?

RE: A good poem?

We don't have to go there. I think I'm changing my mind ... maybe something more casual. But preferably with a bar.

OMG, my day is going okay, but something just happened with my employee I have to remember to tell you. God.

RE: A good poem?

I was thinking maybe get a bite to eat? What sounds good?

RE: A good poem?

So, what's the plan for tonight? I'm free all night (that didn't sound right), so let me know what you're thinking. Where can we hang out and chit-chat?

RE: A good poem?

I think I can see why you might like this. It's powerful.

A good poem?

Okay, so I stumbled upon a poem that I actually like:

The Journey by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do - -
determined to save
the only life you could save.

RE: Chicken humor

I've never seen it, but it always looked funny. Put it on our calendar.

RE: This may not be good

I gladly accept the nut badge :)

Yep, next week's weather is looking good.

Chicken humor

Have you seen Chicken Run? I saw that it is showing. I think it is hilarious. Maybe we can try to catch it sometime.

RE: This may not be good

You are a nut. I think you're safe from becoming like either one of them. God, when I left last night, I hadn't realized that everyone else had left -- except him. He was still working away. I'm sure he was wondering why I had been sitting there with my headphones on laughing my ass off!

If you love rainy nights, you live in the right place, apparently. Might be clearing up now, though.

RE: Well

Ah, okay, I never know what you are thinking --- no freaking clue.

Yeah, those shows are always expensive.

RE: Well

Yes, they are very kind thoughts. :)

Back pain is terrible. Sucks that she has to deal with that too.

We were not big fans of the show. I guess I just didn't care for the style of dancing. Neither did my friends. And it was expensive! You live and learn. The music was pretty good, I will say.

Re: Well

Thank you, I appreciate the kind thoughts -- well I just assumed they were kind.

The second chemo procedure went as planned, but she is experiencing a lot of pain in her lower back. It appears to be a pulled muscle, so the pain pills seem to help. All of her hair is gone, so it takes some time to get accustomed to her new appearance. She told me I now have more hair than her and I laughed, but she added that HERS would grow back :)

How was the show last night?

This may not be good

So, I go to Wal-Mart alone to buy a CD and I find myself roaming around in the electronics section and then checking for those new M&M's (dark chocolate). Am I turning into our buddy (electronics) or your manager (candy)?? I guess I could create a blog and post a complete list of what I bought (or scan the receipt with my horrible signature). I end the night strolling around Barnes & Noble before heading home - I just love rainy nights.

RE: Well

Yes, well. Sorry about that. Didn't plan to get that way. Let's hang out next week. Maybe it will be better to keep our wits about us. I don't even know why I suggested having drinks. I think I was just so surprised when you told me about your trip that I got curious. But it's no big deal. You're a non-drinker for a good reason, and I respect that. It's better talking to a sober person, anyway. :)

BTW, I'm listening to this CD. God, he's filthy. :o

Well

Hmmm, you seemed to be a nervous wreck towards the end of lunch. I'm sorry about that, I should have kept my thoughts to myself a few weeks ago.

Anyway, you seem to have a lot on your mind - I'd like to know what, but you seem to clam up ;) We can talk next time I see you or maybe you're more comfortable with an email? We can get together next week - we don't have to drink if you'd rather not (I never thought I'd say something like) .. We can just hang-out, catch a flick, or whatever. Shit, I'm free all nights :) but don't worry, I understand if you'd rather not.

Thanks again for reading the story, and (I don't think I have to say this) please let me know if it or any part of it sucks. I put a lot of value in your opinion, and you saying you liked my silly little story gave me a warm feeling.

Have fun tonight, it looks like it is going to be ugly (weather).

RE: Silly story

Alright, your chariot will arrive at noon. I'm not sure about the office so I'll hover around 1st and Washington.

RE: Silly story

I had to reread the last line, thanks for the kind words :)

Let me know about lunch (no big deal if you are too busy). Like I said (or typed) yesterday, I can pick you up - just tell me when and where.

RE: Silly story

Wow, you just wrote this? I really love the way you structured it around the speaker assuming that nobody will believe what he is telling them. And the last line. I love it. :)

I'll have to go check out that loser's blog now. Oh, and you have way more of a life than he ever will.

More poetry

The sky was dark
The moon was high
The wind did fade
All alone, she and I

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her long legs apart

And when I did it
I felt no shame
As all at once
The white stuff came

At last it's finished
Yes, all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.

Silly story

I wrote this silly thing while I was out of town - it is partly true.

God, [he] is so subtle -- S stands for [his wife]. He has no future as a spy. Here are two things from his blog that crack me up:

"I also have a non-English speaking maid coming over Saturday and the place can't be in shambles."

- and -

"I told her that, while neither of us is exclusively dating the other, I didn't really want to waste my time with the other girls while she's here. She said I'm more than welcome to date anybody I want but I think she liked hearing that I just wanted to hang out with her."

Can he take the hint with that last tidbit? She's using him! And, he thought he was the player.

Geez, I still have the feeling that I need to get a life :(
Here is the story ...

Questionable Beauty

If you ever asked her, she'd swear it never happened. My grandmother died around the same time, so the memory is vivid. We were co-workers at a local telemarketing firm. Becky was a gorgeous woman. A cliché may help: she weakened a man's knees with her mere presence.

I assisted her with training a batch of new employees. We exchanged playful banter during the sessions. Up until that moment I had never had the opportunity to work so closely with her. A few of the trainees made comments assuming we were an item. Given her beauty, I was flattered. I am not sure if she was aware of this chatter.

The training class consumed the entire week. We found ourselves working late on Friday to complete some necessary paperwork. The dinner suggestion came from her. I was surprised as you would be. Up to that point, I'd never been invited anywhere by a lady. Additionally, dinner conversations were a common occurrence for her to receive. I tried to remain calm upon accepting the invitation.

We agreed on a local eatery called Rocky's – a pizza joint that served basic Italian fare. I remember it well. It couldn't compete with the larger chains that invaded the area. I closed a few years later. It wasn't a common hangout for co-workers, so she may have chose it for secrecy since the odds of being spotted with me were virtually non-existent. As a result, I have no witnesses to the evening.

We took separate cars to Rocky's, meeting in the parking lot. Initially, the conversation was stiff while focusing on work-related issues. She loosened a bit with a few beers in her system as the conversation overflowed to more personal issues. Enough information was shared for me to prove the conversations did occur. While I reveal some of these nuggets here, I never relayed anything in the office.

I can tell you that her parents divorced when she was ten years old. She lived with her mother after the divorce. In fact, she was still with her mother when our paths crossed. She continued to divulge various details of her personal life. I was surprised to learn that she had been engaged with her fiancé breaking it off. I couldn't fathom a man rejecting her. It was definitely a sensitive issue, tears traveled down her cheeks as she shared the story. Crying was virtually non-existent in my family, so I clearly remember my discomfort with her tears.

I felt so much like a little kid as she revealed the more interesting aspects of her life, because I had so little to share. At that point in my life, my biggest disappointments had been my parent's divorce and a World Series loss by a favorite team. I guess the better way to explain it is she was much more experienced.

This was a surprise given her reverence at work. Guys were often speechless in her presence. She was considered a dainty goddess without worries. I tried to match her stories that night, but I had very little to work with. Rocky's emptied as the night progressed with the conversation grazing a few bawdy topics. We ventured into a truth-or-dare type of game often played by those flirting with a new person.

Virginity was a subject that I think she raised, but I wouldn't testify to it. I can tell you she lost hers at the age of seventeen to her boyfriend. The strange part is that I remember his name since it coincided with my favorite baseball player: Lenny. The human mind is definitely a mysterious blob. I can't explain the memory, but I did envy him.

I regretted what I shared when it was my turn. I should've chosen dare over truth, but she would never have let it slide once her secrets were revealed. It isn't hard to tell the truth when there is actually something, but it can be painful when there is nothing. In the end, I finally revealed the fact that I had no experience.

I clearly remember her stunned face as the words escaped my mouth. She brushed back her golden hair with one sweep of her left hand while leaning in for more details. Her steel blue eyes tightened as I spoke seemingly trying to spot any trace of a lie. After a few minutes she relaxed and leaned back while finishing off her beer. She removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes as I reaffirmed my statement in response to her disbelief.

For the first time, I noticed the freckles sprinkled across the bridge of her nose. I counted the small brown dots as she motioned for the bill. I remember reaching twenty before the glasses were returned to her face. I wanted to pay the whole check, but my financial situation did not permit it. I deposited enough money to cover my portion of the evening as she assured me she was okay to drive. A wide grin formed on my face as I watched her drive away.

Our relationship returned to normal upon returning to work the following Monday. The closeness provided by the training class was no longer available, so I had very few chances to be with her. I assumed the pizza dinner was an isolated moment, so I pursued it no further. Also, I figured my lack of experience probably spooked her. I considered myself lucky to have had the chance to spend time with her. With that said, I was stunned when she invited me to her house the following Thursday. She provided directions as we planned to meet after work.

I found it hard to concentrate on Thursday with our apparent date looming ahead. My body buzzed as I followed her flawless directions. Her mother was out of town on vacation, so she was home alone. She gave me a quick tour of the home and my heart skipped a beat as she showed me her bedroom. We ordered a pizza and settled on the couch to watch a movie. I firmly remember watching Friday the 13th Part 3. Now, people that know me would call me on this point given my aversion to horror films, but I would have watched anything with her.

Her physical appearance was striking that evening. Shorts and a baggy t-shirt replaced her usual well-groomed business attire. I was excited by her bare legs. She fixed herself a margarita as I paid the pizza man. She was perturbed when I settled for a soda, and I stammered through an explanation of my being a non-drinker. We sat, talking, and watched television the next few hours. She consumed a few drinks during that time. She was neither drunk nor sober, yet she was happy.

This is the point of the story where a disagreement would occur is she didn't deny the events ever happened. I may have been a novice at that moment, but the next thing to happen was her leaning over and kissing me.

The beautiful face that had been admired for so long was now within inches of mine and the beauty began to vanish. She removed the glasses I liked so much. She pushed her hair back and leaned in to reveal a face heavily laden with make-up and eyes that appeared to be crossed. I wasn't sure which eye to use. The freckles lost their charm, and the sour alcohol-laden breath was repulsive. I kissed her briefly while escaping the embrace.

The façade seemed to break away as I noticed the scrawny legs and the dark roots of her so unnatural blonde hair. The conversation became annoying. I wanted to flee the house as soon as possible. I did not want to hurt her feelings, but I now know this impossible when a woman's advances are not warmly received or reciprocated.

Confusion reigned as I prepared to depart. I concocted a lame excuse related to my mother, but the complete lie slips my mind. She escorted me to the driveway gate gently opening the cage so I could escape. She lingered at the fence in a stance that I now know was expecting a goodnight kiss. We exchanged good-byes as I returned to the safety of my car. It was an unreliable Volkswagen Beetle, so I prayed for it to start without a hitch before turning the key. Relief swelled inside me as the familiar chatter of its engine sounded. She remained standing at the fence as I rolled backwards. I now imagine shock on her face, but I wouldn't testify under oath. If I had a bigger ego, I'd say she cried herself to sleep that night but I know better.

I didn't see her again until the following week at work. An office gathering had been planned for the following Friday at a local billiard's club. I asked Diana from our training class to accompany me. I had been talking with her more since the class had ended. I had to convince her that there was nothing between Becky and myself before she would agree to go. I remember nervously anticipating my first date with her.

Trouble ensued when we arrived Friday night. Diana and I were walking hand-in-hand as I felt Becky's cold stare from across the room. She waited until Diana took a bathroom break to confront me. Evidently, she had the impression that we were meeting that night – an apparent date. Now, I was shocked. I scanned my mind for these plans, but I could only remember Becky asking if I was going as we passed in the hall the previous Wednesday.

I started to apologize for the misunderstanding, but anger filled my body as she wouldn't back down. Words that I now regret were exchanged. To this day, I can't recall Becky or myself ever asking each other about that night. Sadly, it was the last time we ever spoke. I changed jobs weeks later.

A few years later I ran into Becky during lunch at a downtown deli. Diana and I had been married a year at that point, and we had met for lunch. I noticed a lady slowly pass our table a few times, and I immediately recognized her as I got a good look during the third pass. I informed Diana, but she was not convinced. We tracked her down after finishing our lunch, but she feigned ignorance when we approached. I raised the issue of the time spent at her house, but she vehemently denied it stating I was mistaken. She removed her glasses as she spoke and I began counting the familiar dots again, knowing I was correct. I've never been able to explain or understand her behavior that day.

By chance, I read her obituary in Sunday's newspaper. I was surprised to learn she lived in our neighborhood only three blocks away. I passed the house on the way to the funeral home expecting her to be standing at the driveway gate. The wake was filled with mourners, but the faces were all foreign to me. I introduced myself to the widower as a former co-worker. I praised her as he smiled and thanked me for coming. He was her fourth husband. I found it interesting that she never had kids, because she talked at great length about kids that night at her house. She was thirty-two when she died from liver disease brought on by heavy drinking.

It was odd to see her familiar face in that coffin that day. I half-expected her to rise up, point in my direction and announce that I shouldn't be there. I felt like apologizing, but I couldn't think of a valid reason. Although I hadn't seen her in years, she had the same physical appearance. The funeral home did a great job, because I could barely see the dots. To this day, I'll never know what such a woman saw in me or what I did to her.